Willard Jule wrote:
"I would like to suggest that in fact it is the most effective way to treat
people. Consider the three golden rules.
Do unto others as they would be done unto. You will note that the
biblical golden rule is a subset of this rule which I like to call the
I think you can get yourself into a lot of trouble using this as a general
"The problem with the biblical golden rule is it assumes everyone is the
same. If you want to have ineffective relationships all you have to do is
to show others love the way you would receive love. If you want to have
effective relationships ask people how they receive love and then give it
to them that way.
If you want to communicate effectively, you learn the other person's frame
of reference and then communicate in it."
So, if you happen to communicate with a sadist (just using a more extreme
example to illustrate what I mean), whose idea of being shown love is to
have the other person kiss the soles of his/her boots... Or with a
masochist who yearns for love in the form of whipping... Or with a
religious fanatic... all right, I'll stop being facetious.
More seriously, I think the frame of reference needs to be negotiated if
what you aim for is two-way communication. Otherwise this comes close to
giving up your identity - and then you don't get your message(s) across
-- Fides Matzdorf Sheffield Hallam University, UK F.Matzdorf@shu.ac.uk