Subject: Re: Lord of the Ducks!
From: sammie@world.std.com (Samantha Wilkinson)
Date: 1998/06/08
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology 
Message-ID: <Eu7nCE.BIr@world.std.com>
Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA

Sorry Ian, but I just couldn't help but feel that something was missing...

Apologies to Matt McIrvin and Louis Nick.

In article <6l15j0$558@panix3.panix.com>, iayork@panix.com wrote...

[Ian York's words in blockquotes below. -Ed.]

PROLOGUE

(Music. Superimpose title on rotating, dish-like object with a spiral painted on it, mounted on top of an oscilloscope cabinet:

Scientifiction Playhouse Theatre Presents:

LORD OF THE DUCKS

A blurred silver object fills the camera. PULL BACK to reveal COOLIDGE MERCER flipping a coin.)

MERCER

Good evening and welcome to Scientification Playhouse. Notice this quarter. An ordinary object, you think, but to a scientist it is a valuable tool in demonstrating the laws of chance. Watch as I toss it in the air. (MERCER flips the coin up, fumbles attempting to catch it, picks it up off the floor and slaps it on his wrist.)

MERCER

Which side will come up on top? We just don't know. It's completely determined by chance. (Lifts hand off of coin.) Tails! But chance could easily have made it heads.

(PAN to aquarium filled with sand).

MERCER

(Picks up beaker filled with water. Slops some water onto sand.) Look at the pattern the water creates in the sand. I could easily have poured the water over here (pours water into other end of the aquarium) and formed a completely different pattern. Notice that where I pour the water drastically changes the contours of the sand. However, both options are equally possible. This is the idea behind tonight's scarily plausible story.

[begin Ian]

[Winter forest scene: Scary-looking, twisted trees, strong wind blowing branches; dim light; full moon; snowdrifts.]

[A woman runs by, face contorted with terror, looking over her shoulder; her clothes are torn and ragged.]

[Pause.]

[A pack of ducks waddles after her, quacking menacingly.]

[Pause.]

[Agonized scream from woman's direction; it trails off into a horrid gurgle.]

[Pause.]

[Sound of ducks quacking triumphantly at the moon.]

[Fade out.]

[Fade in: Similar winter forest scene, wind, moon, etc. A castle is visible through the blowing snow. Far in the distance we can hear the pack quacking. POV moves in slowly toward the castle; we see a moat--not frozen, ducks are swimming on it--and enter the gates.]

[CUT to throne room. Bare stone floor and walls. Empty save for a gigantic fur-clad figure seated on the throne. He is wearing a helmet in the shape of a duck's beak. He lifts his head to hear the quacking.]

Lord of the Ducks: So perish all my enemies! Muahaha ha ha ha! Quack!

[CUT to dungeons. Bare walls except for the odd patch of fungus. Puddles on the floor. Distant intermittent screams. POV drifts down the corridor; in rooms off the side we catch glimpses of iron maidens, whips, racks, "My First Read-Aloud Book of Ian's Screenplays," thumbscrews, etc. The screams are getting closer.]

Lord of the Ducks: Muahahaha ha ha quack! Peck him, Beaky! Peck! Peck! Quack! Mua ha ha ha ha! So! You STILL won't talk, eh? Ha ha ha ha ha! Now I bring out .... the BIG duck!

[Agonized, terrified scream.]

[NEXT PARTS CENSORED. CONTAIN GRAPHIC SCENES OF EXTREME VIOLENCE, PECKING, NUDITY, TORTURE, RAPE, IAN'S SCREENPLAYS BEING READ ALOUD, DISEMBOWELMENT, AND GENERAL NAUGHTINESS.]

[Overhead view: Winter forest, castle. Sparkles in front of the castle. View moves in; we see that the sparkles are torches, being held by townspeople. They are also waving pitchforks, holding clubs, etc. Incoherent shouting. One townsperson is holding a pack of chickens, straining at their leashes.]

Townspeople: Die! DIE! Naughty terrible horrible awful man! Pluck him! Pluck him!

[Rumbling sound. Townspeople stop, look up, fall silent. The castle collapses. A cloud of dust and smoke forms. For a moment it takes the shape of a gigantic, ominous duck beak; then the wind comes up and the beak dissipates.]

[end Ian]

EPILOGUE

(CLOSEUP of a grainy photograph of a tiger.)

MERCER

(VOICEOVER) GRRRR.

(PULL BACK to show MERCER sitting at a desk holding the photograph.)

MERCER

Ha, ha. Scared you, didn't I? Think of Fluffy, curled up in front of the fireplace purring. It's hard to think of him as a fierce hunter. But scientists have proved that he is a close cousin of fearsome tigers like the one in the picture. (Puts down photograph). Just think. If the evolutionary process had gone slightly differently, Fluffy could be a hulking predator rather than your beloved lap cat. Simarly, scientists believe that with a small change in evolution, animals could have developed human-like intelligence.

MERCER

If animals were intelligent, what kind of society would they develop? Scientists predict that they would have a feudal system like the one portrayed in tonight's episode, rather than the enlightened democracy we humans enjoy. At least those of us lucky enough to live in the good ole U.S. of A. (chuckles). Of course, animals aren't intelligent, but maybe before you go to bed tonight, maybe you should give Fluffy a nice fish, just to be on the safe side.

(Gets up from desk, heads offstage, pauses.)

MERCER

Have a good evening, and join us next week for the next thought- provoking venture into the realm of fiction...and science.

-=-=-THE END-=-=-