Home - Humor from a.r.k Matt McIrvin mmcirvin@world.std.com
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin)
Subject: Re: Desi Jr.'s Birthday.
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 03:54:09 GMT
Organization: The World @ Software Tool & Die
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kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:

It's also interesting that Desiderio Alberto Arnaz y de Ancha IV is forty-six years old and yet he's only been in twelve hours of television, not counting the nine months before he was born when his mom was falling off ladders on TV every day. Curiously, in those twelve hours when he was on TV, in every single frame he had his mouth open and his eyes closed. Now, the average human being spends a total of twelve hours in that facial expression (blinking while yawning) during forty-six years, but by an amazing coincidence he happened to be on TV during those exact twelve hours.

Clifton Fadiman printed this paragraph in his second sequel to "Fantasia Mathematica," "A Mathematical Mudbath." Only it was the original version that gave the surface area of a cube as pi r^3.

It also reprinted my beloved tale of mathematical super-fiction, first published in High-Brow Science Fiction in 1953:

SMEDLEY AND THE MOEBIUS DEBACLE

By Dr. Matt "Longshot" McIrvin, Ph.D.

Smedley Octothorpe was a 98-pound weakling. He figured he ought to be able to impress a girl by being head double-dome in the Chess Club, but bullies kept kicking sand in his face! They carried sand with them at all times for just this purpose.

One day, Smedley decided to put his brainy brain power to good use.

"I shall use the amazing powers of the Fourth Dimension, recently discovered by Professor Einstein with the Palomar magnetic telescope!" he said. "Let's see... how does it go?" He set about plotting his revenge.

The next day, Smedley was trying to work up the nerve to ask Sissy Roseheart to the prom when Brick Newton stepped between them, dumped a small pile of sand on the floor, and started to kick it in Smedley's face.

Smedley acted swiftly. Using impeccable mathematical logic, Smedley cut out a strip of paper, gave one end a half-twist, and pasted the ends together.

"Whatcha doin' now, twerp? Duh." said Brick.

"Observe," said Smedley, tracing a line along the strip of paper. "This is the amazing Moebius Strip. It has only one side. See how I can draw this line along the entire strip without picking up the pen!"

"Duh," said Brick.

"Nearly all of modern double-dome mathematics is based entirely on the Moebius strip, except for the part about the Klein bottle. This twist gives the Moebius strip amazing mathematical powers. Observe!"

Smedley took out a pair of scissors and cut the Moebius strip in two. This caused the Fourth Dimension to give him enormous muscles, and he beat up Brick Newton and got the girl. THE END.

P.S. I forgot there had to be a Debacle in there somewhere. The Fourth Dimension made a monster come out and eat him. THE END.

-- 
Matt McIrvin    http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/
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