I tried to get into Mensa but they said since I only got 2600 on the SAT's tests that I couldn't get in. So I connected a bicycle pump to my head and inflated it real big like Felix the Cat. And then I got 3700 and they let me in. But then I saw that all the Mega Society people were laughing at me because I couldn't get a 246 on the Electro-Rorshach test. But I said that that was much less than 3700 but they told me it was different. You had to be smarter to get the same number. And I tried to think about that but I ruptured my head and symmetrical blots of cerebrospinal fluid flew out, and then they let me into the Mega Society.
Then I could talk to Marilyn vos Savant and give flippant joke answers to all her questions. Only first there was this initiation ceremony. They took me to a room that had three doors and Arsenio Hall was there, and he said "Behind one of these doors is a NEW CAR, and behind the other two is something sucky, like a goat or something, and I admit that many people in the world would love to have a goat, it would make their lives much easier especially if it were female and gave milk, but for you it would be nothing but inconvenience, so don't get any ideas about trying for the goat."
Arsenio Hall went on, "And I have perfect knowledge of the future, and I will let you pick one door or two doors or three doors. But if you only pick the one door I know which one it will be in advance and I've arranged for the goat to be behind that door. Only I won't open that door, I'll open another door and show you that the NEW CAR is behind it, and then you'll have to pick the remaining door whether you like it or not, and behind that door there won't be a goat, there will be a tiger, and it will eat you, only you're guaranteed to not know which door you will be forced to pick until you're forced to pick it by picking the other door that the NEW CAR might not be behind. If you pick two doors, that means you are greedy and I've arranged for the car to be behind the door you don't pick. And if you pick all three doors, then I was lying and there really isn't any new car or even a goat, there's just a tape of wacky 'Full House' bloopers behind all three doors, and Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat."
"But whatever I pick," I said, "you've already decided what it will be. So no matter what you put behind the doors, it's to my advantage to pick all three, just in case one will have the NEW CAR."
"Yes," said Arsenio Hall. "But I have perfect knowledge of the future. So everything depends on your choice. And it is guaranteed to suck, no matter what you choose! So don't waste your time trying to figure it out!"
So I picked all three doors. And there wasn't any goat or Rice-a-Roni or a new car or leggy showgirls or anything, just flames and the smell of sulfur. And Arsenio Hall ripped off his face to reveal electronic circuits, and shouted: "HA HA! I AM THE ROBOT WHO ALWAYS LIES!" Then I had to go to Hell! Which, as it turned out, was a Mega Society meeting with keynote speaker Marilyn vos Savant.