From: mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin)
Subject: Re: The Big Problem With Having The Flu...
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 04:14:34 GMT
Organization: The World @ Software Tool & Die

In article <kibo-1412980036310001@ppp0a008.std.com>, kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:

The big problem with having the flu is that you might accidentally try to watch the movie "Bugsy Malone" even though you've seen it before and you've been drinking Nyquil before midnight so you think it might be better this time but it's still got Scott Baio and he's still singing.

----

[MATT stands before the Computertron. It looks like a Lear Seigler terminal with the CRT replaced by a matrix of Lite-Brites.]

MATT

Computertron, produce voice analysis.

[Close up of the blinky screen. Rapid beeping.]

COMPUTERTRON

Voice--analysis--indicates--illusory--dissemblement--

MATT

Whose voice is it really, Computertron?

[More beeping.]

COMPUTERTRON

Last--inhabitant--of--Atlantis--question--mark?

MATT

But... how could such an individual survive?

COMPUTERTRON

Analysis--indicates--99--percent--probability--
citizens--of--Atlantis--were--bionic--possessed--
amazing--bionic--ESP--powers--stop--

[Zowie zoom on MATT's face. His blond Afro fills the screen.]

MATT

[whispering] ESP?

----

[The office of DIRECTOR DIRKMAN, who sits at his desk extracting papers from his Exploding Filing Cabinet.]

DIRKMAN

Matt, this is going to be a tough one. You might have you use your... special abilities. Just remember that you can only use them for 15 minutes, or we could lose you.

MATT

What would the ladies do? [Grins roguishly.]

----

[wockachickawockachickawockachickawockachicka]

[We see star of recording, stage and screen, PAUL WILLIAMS, driving an 18-wheel rig with BIGFOOT by his side.]

PAUL WILLIAMS

Ever since you did that dubbing for Scott Vincent Baio, the checks have been rolling in. Now all we have to do is deliver the anti-matter ray to the Atlantean base, and our plan will be complete!

BIGFOOT

[doing a bad Edward G. Robinson impression]
We own this planet, see??!

PAUL WILLIAMS

Ten-four, good buddy! Ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA--
[Stops suddenly.] Wait, I... sense something.

[Zowie zoom on the forehead of PAUL WILLIAMS, who suddenly appears, eyes closed, against a black background. Egg-frying noises. Superimposed on the image, shot through a jelly jar, we see MATT clinging to the top of the truck. Highly technological beeping sounds.]

PAUL WILLIAMS

He's here... on the top of the truck! We've got to get rid of him! Bigfoot, get him!

[The top of the truck. MATT hangs on for dear life, only he looks much larger and has black hair in the long shots. In closeups, he grimaces with pain and effort.]

MATT

[interior monologue, with reverb]
I hear Bigfoot... They must... sense me!

BIGFOOT

[clambering onto the top of the truck]
We got rights, see? Get off our rig!

MATT

Got to... use... my powers!

[Bass thrumming noise. In rapid succession, we see:

• MATT's eyes and furrowed brow
• A plastic ball-and-stick model with blinking Christmas lights taped to it
• A human outline in red, with computery lettering reading RHO-ZETON RADIATION 300 PERCENT DANGER DANGER

Suddenly, funky upbeat theme music starts playing, and MATT's shirt lapels grow to enormous length, impaling BIGFOOT. In a jump cut, they return to normal size, and MATT climbs into the cab and punches out PAUL WILLIAMS.]

MATT

[sweating] So much... for world conquest.

----

[DIRECTOR DIRKMAN's office.]

DIRKMAN

A job well done, Matt. We can always count on you. Of course, OSCF will deny any knowledge of your existence. I'm sorry that you can't get any of the credit, Matt.

MATT

That's all right. It's all part of the job when you're... THE LAPEL MAN.

[They laugh. Freeze-frame. Theme music and closing credits.]

-- 
Matt McIrvin    http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/