Not aired 11/23/1973
(Freddie, a boy aged about eleven and played by little Jimmy Osmond, wanders behind a burned-out building in a grainy filmed location shot.)
When coming home from school one day
Freddie stopped a while to play
In an old abandoned lot
Behind a building that was shot.
(Freddie comes upon assorted junk, including an old refrigerator.)
There he found a moment later
An old broken 'frigerator
Into which he crawled-what's more-
After that he shut the door!
(Total darkness.)
And then, what rotten luck!
He found the door was stuck!
But when he thought he'd die-
The fridge began to flyyyyyYYYYY!!!!!
AAAAAAaaaaaaahhhh!
(From here on, everything is on bright, supersaturated video. We see a wobbly-edged video matte of a refrigerator, spinning two-dimensionally and hurtling through featureless blue sky.)
When the fridge touched down,
Oh, what a world he'd found!
(Mayor Muffinuff [a six-foot creature whose head is a huge English muffin topped with a giant pat of butter, and who wears mayoral regalia with a wide sash festooned with felt daisies the size of dinner plates] runs to the rescue and opens the crashed refrigerator, which sits on a floor painted Gatorade green with pink polka dots. Muffinuff opens the fridge, and Freddie emerges.)
Welcome to Fridgeville! Hope you enjoy your stay!
(The evil Count Moldy, played by Rip Taylor in green face paint, fangs, helical mustache extensions and a gold lamé cape, peers at the scene, in miniature, in his crystal ball. His henchmen, Salmonella Salmon (voice of Phyllis Diller) and Rancid Pants (a talking pair of pants), provide moral support.)
Not if old Golden Moldy can help it! Get it? Golden Moldy! Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Tosses some confetti. Laughtrack.)
(Crane shot. Very small actors in foam-rubber costumes with enormous, food-shaped heads dance about among cardboard cutouts of food items. Tempo of the music suddenly becomes fast and bouncy.)
Fridgeville is the taste-taste-tastiest!
Fridgeville is the yum-yum-yummiest!
Fridgeville, it's the kind of snack
In which your food just might talk back!
In Fridgeville you can take your trips
Upon your tongue and 'tween your lips
The people are delicious stuff-
You can't eat a little, 'cause you can't eat enough!
(Muffinuff and Freddie emerge from Muffinuff's mayoral mansion, with their friends, Sandy Strudel and Billy Berry. They are carrying a bedsheet with TALENT SHOW TODAY painted on it. The S is backwards.)
Gee, Freddie, thanks a bunch for helping us prepare for the big talent show. I just know we'll have a swell time!
Don't mention it.
Duh, OK, we won't! (Laughtrack goes wild.)
Say, Freddie, do you think you could sing in our band?
Could I?
Why, of course, Freddie! You'll be the hit of the show!
There's nothing Fridgeville loves more than ROCK AND ROLL! (Briefly does the twist; this is difficult to do in the ellipsoidal berry costume, which buckles grotesquely around waist level, where its googly eyes are mounted. Laughtrack.)
Duh, right, Billy, rock and roll! (Hops up and down. Laughtrack.)
(in closeup, in Billy's shirt pocket) Can I sing too?
Why, sure, you can, Magic Banana! I just know it'll be super-terrific. Now let's go rehearse!
(Freaky Moog music sting. A piece of cardboard covered with magic-marker squiggles spins in front of the camera.)
(Then we're in Count Moldy's castle. He's looking into a crystal bedpan, observing all this.)
I have to do something to keep those icky-sweet Fridgevillians from winning the talent show...And I've always wanted to be a star!
SQUAWK! Be a star! Be a star! SQUAWK! (Laughtrack. Rancid Pants' zipper moves as he talks.)
I've got it! We'll put our own band together, and record some hot tracks! (Waves a flaming length of HO-scale railroad track in the air.) Get it? Hot tracks! Ba ha ha ha ha!! (Riotous laughtrack.)
That joke's as old and creaky as my first husband! (Laughtrack.)
Be silent, or prepare to receive my Wacky Whammy...Now, let's see. I, of course, will sing lead. Salmonella, you play guitar. Rancid Pants can play drums, and for backup singers...Whatever will we do for backup singers?
Backup singers! SQUAWK! Backup singers! (Laughtrack.)
Leaping lizards! (Tosses a rubber lizard over his shoulder. Laughtrack.) I have an idea. We'll capture that insufferable Muffinuff and his foolish friend Freddie, and they'll be our backup singers! And maybe, just maybe, I'll get to peel Freddie's magic banana!
That'll work about as well as my last facelift. (Laughtrack.)
SQUAWK! Facelift! Facelift! (Laughtrack.)
(Matted in front of a hypersonic swish-pan, Moldy, Rancid Pants, and Salmonella ride their jet-propelled Giant Flyswatter, laughing evilly.)
(Then we see the Fridgeville town square. On a stage shaped like a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich stand Muffinuff, Freddie, Billy Berry, Sandy Strudel, and the Kondiment Kops [Mrs. Mustard, Ketch, and the Relish Twins, who have billy clubs and jar lids shaped like helmets]. They are holding musical instruments. The shinier ones reflect the studio lights and leave red comet tails on the picture.)
All right, everybody, let's practice again! Take it from the top!
(They all start playing a peppy Monkees-esque bubblegum-pop tune. Freddie, holding a microphone shaped like a pickle, starts to sing.)
Do you know what love is like
On a lovely summer's day?
Love is like a brand-new bike
With lots of time to play!
Love is like a jellybean
Or an ice-cream cone in June
It's peppermint and wintergreen
And never out of tune!
It makes your breath smell fresher;
It tastes like honey sweet;
It makes your hair grow thicker, and
It's quite a tasty treat!
Yes, love is all around us,
If you open up your eye,
And with all that love you can make the world
A lovely lullaby!
(Suddenly Moldy, Rancid, and Salmonella jump into the scene.)
Run, Freddie! It's Count Moldy!
You won't stop our talent show, mean old Moldy!
(Rancid and Salmonella wrap them all in fluorescent pink rope. Menacing sounds from the Moog.)
No, I won't. But you won't be able to sing your song...you'll be all tied up! Get it? All tied up! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Laughtrack. Moldy tosses some confetti.) You'll be a backup singer for ME now, you pathetic hamburger!
I'm an English muffin.
English muffin! English muffin! SQUAWK! (Laughtrack.)
Whatever.
What will we do?
I hope he doesn't peel me! He could eat me in one bite!
Just hope for the best, and I'm sure we'll think of something!
Anticipation is making me wait! (Laughtrack.)
(Spinning cardboard.)
(Same place, only now the whole population of Fridgeville has come to watch the show. Our friends are still tied up, lined up along the rear of the stage. Rancid and Salmonella hold their respective instruments. Salmonella has the pickle.)
And now, the man you've been waiting for...the biggest star in Fridgeville...Count Moldy!
Booooooooo!!!!!
(climbing on stage and taking the pickle) Here's a little number I call... TWO! (Waves a three-foot-high foam-rubber 2 in the air. Laughtrack.) Get it? Little number! Ah ha ha ha! (Throws the 2 over his shoulder.) Now where was I? Oh, yes. I'm Count Moldy, and these are the Moldettes! And this is a song we call "When I'm Sad!" This time, SING, you useless Moldettes!
(Salmonella and Rancid provide squealing, discordant guitar noises and a fast, thundering beat.)
When I'm sad I'm happy
And when I'm happy I'm sad-WHOO!
When it's thundery and rainy
And when the weather's BAD! YEAH!
I like it when it's nasty
And everyone's a GRUMP!
But when my-
(drowning out the noise) BOOOOOOO!!!!!
(stops singing) Quiet down! Don't you like my music?
It's YOU we don't like, pilgrim.
You we don't like! SQUAWK! You we don't like! (Laughtrack.)
What's wrong with my effervescent personality?
You're a mean cowpoke and you do bad things to honest folks, podner!
Enough! Everyone gets a WACKY WHAMMY! (Moldy gesticulates. The camera starts tilting in all directions, and all the foam-rubber food items run around in circles waving their free arms. Wild boinging noises play over all this. Suddenly, though, there is an insert showing Moldy being inundated by several cans' worth of blue paint.)
Oh, boy, am I blue. (Laughtrack.)
It looks like Moldy's Wacky Whammy backfired on him. You never know just what those Whammies will do. Here, everyone, help us get untied! (Audience members run on stage and untie them all.)
Don't you worry! We'll be back! (Waves a stuffed alligator.) See you later, alligator! Ah ha ha ha ha! (Gesticulates again, and he, Rancid, and Salmonella all vanish in an abrupt jump-cut.)
Hey, everyone, now that we're all together, let's sing!
(This one's faster and hipper than Freddie's other song. Everybody starts to dance about wildly:)
Everybody, don't be mad
When badness comes along,
'Cause we're all right here and we're here and now
And we've got a brand-new song!
It's cooler than an icicle
It's hotter than a flame
It's all about our favorite friend-
And Muffinuff's his name!
Yes, he's
Fridgeville's Muffinuff!
Fully clothed or in the buff!
And when the going's getting tough,
The weird turn pro and the pro dip snuff!
So long! See you next week!
Keep those cards and letters comin', kids!
FIN