Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin)
Subject: EVEL!
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 1997 18:50:41 GMT
Organization: Software Tool & Die, Brookline MA
X-Newsreader: MacSOUP 2.2

EVEL!

The New Musical by Matt McIrvin

ACT I

Scene i

[A county fair in rural West Dakota. An unnamed DAREDEVIL in denim jacket and patched jeans is preparing to jump over a Studebaker on his motorcycle. Various HAYSEED TYPES stand around gawking. Enter young EVEL KNIEVEL, and Homecoming Queen BETSY, stage right. A rockabilly accompaniment starts to play as the DAREDEVIL drives slowly up to the top of the ramp, stops, and starts to sing.]

DAREDEVIL

Now what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna jump up over that car

HAYSEEDS

That car, over that car

DAREDEVIL

And what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna fly real fast and far

HAYSEEDS

Real far, fly real far

DAREDEVIL

And I'll land on the ground without a scratch
Way over 'yonder in the 'tater patch

HAYSEEDS

All he's gonna do is knock his head off, natch--

[All freeze, except for EVEL and BETSY.]

EVEL

[spoken]
Aw, Betsy, why don't you wanna go out with me?

BETSY

You're from the wrong side of the tracks, Evel. And that name scares my dad.

[Motion resumes. Suddenly the ramp collapses, with a splintering, creaking noise. The DAREDEVIL grimaces in pain.]

HAYSEEDS

Now what we're gonna do
If we don't get a show
(get a show, don't get a show)

Someone's gonna pay
and that's the only thing we know
(all we know, only thing we know)

Someone's gonna jump right over the cars
And go on straight to the twinklin' stars
Or we're gonna knock somebody clear to Mars--

[Contrabassoon accompaniment as pinch-faced SAFETY INSPECTOR RALPH NADER enters, stage left.]

NADER

Nobody's going to jump any Studebakers
As long as I work as this town's premier inspector!
The safety of its citizens is in my hands,
I consider myself the daredevil disinfector!
I sabotaged that ramp
Just to make a point!
Now nobody can jump them--

EVEL

I'll do it.

NADER

No, you won't.

EVEL

I bet it's really easy!
Just watch me.

NADER

Oh, I can't!

[EVEL gets on the DAREDEVIL's bike.]

EVEL

[spoken, softly]
Now how do you work this dang thing?...

[The bike starts with a roar among the wreckage of the crushed ramp, and miraculously levitates into the air, right over the Studebaker! The HAYSEEDS make an incredible ruckus.]

NADER

Evel is right, Knievel,
Evel through and through!
I'll get you 'f it's the last durn thing I do!

Scene ii

[TEENS with duck-tails, poodle skirts, and the occasional strangely anachronistic pair of bell-bottom jeans gather on stage. Behind them, EVEL, dressed in his leather jacket and leather pants, hair flying, flies from left to right and back again on a cable-suspended motorcycle as colored lights play across the stage.]

GIRLS

Evel, you're so daring
Evel, you're so strong
We'd like to marry you today
We've waited oh, so long!

BOYS

[snidely]
Oh Evel, why don't you just fall
And break your greasy head
We'd have much more fun with the girls
If you were safely dead!

GIRLS

Oh Evel, won't you listen
To what we have to shout
That Betsy doesn't like you, but
You really knock us out!

BOYS

[faster] He can jump a car
He can jump a truck
All we ask is for him to lose his luck!
He can jump a boat
He can jump a train
Love to be him but there's marbles in his brain!

GIRLS

Love him!

BOYS

Hate him!

ALL

Why is he so great, him?

EVEL

[raising a thumb high, with heavy reverb]
Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

[A screen lowers from above the stage; we see a long series of films of EVEL jumping over longer and longer strings of vehicles, frequently wiping out and breaking bones horribly. The last image is simply of EVEL waving to the crowd, helmet in hand, wearing the now-familiar white suit.]

Scene iii

[A crowd of hoop-skirted and straw-hatted townspeople gather colorfully around the gazebo in the town square. INSPECTOR RALPH NADER appears, pinstriped, cane in hand, waving his straw boater to the crowd. He climbs into the gazebo and starts to speak rapidly as lively music begins.]

NADER

[spoken]
Now I know you're all here for a reason. And the reason is plain. That Evel character has gotten your kids all worked up in a lather, and I know why. Why, it's obvious. The flash. The dash. The winning smile. [Murmur from the ladies.] Yes, ladies, it's plain even to a family man like me: That Evel is one slick character. But I warn you of a danger.

ALL

[sung] Danger!

NADER

I warn you of a menace to your kids--

ALL

[sung] Menace!

NADER

And it's time that there's a thing or two we did!
'Cause he's unsafe!
At any speed!
Unsafe!
At any speed!
A new daredevil we don't need--
He's unsafe at any speed!

ALL

[sung, clapping in rhythm]
Unsafe
At any speed, unsafe
At any speed
We're all endangered by his greed
Unsafe at any speed!

NADER

He jumps into the sky
He makes believe that he can fly!
But all I know is, if you try,
There's quite a chance you'll die!

ALL

Unsafe
At any speed, unsafe
At any speed
A new daredevil we don't need
Unsafe at any speed!

NADER

He risks his life each day
He tells the kids that that's OK
All I can say is that I pray
They don't mimic him at play!

ALL

Unsafe
At any speed, unsafe
At any speed
His fame is like a growing weed
Unsafe at any speed!

Unsafe
At any speed, unsafe
At any speed
We're all endangered by his greed--

NADER

But in your mind I'll plant the seed

VILLAGE ELDER

That cycle hotshots we don't need!

NADER

Though kids may imitate his deeds

LIBRARIAN

On motor madness Satan feeds!

NADER

His fame is like a growing weed

PASTOR

But now we'll take it as our creed

NADER

Retirement is what Evel needs,
Unsafe at any speed!

[Curtain.]

ACT II

Scene i

[The workshop of ROBERT TRUAX[1]. Unidentifiable gadgets lie everywhere; TRUAX wrings his hands in despair.]

TRUAX

Empty dreams and empty projects
For a future full of woe
No one wants to dream of heroes
No one dares to stub a toe

Or risk a greater maiming
Just to see how far he'll go--
Oh, will no one
go to Pluto
in my time?

Empty dreams from science fiction
I had thought they'd come to pass
Laser rays, starship invasions,
Frozen heads in tanks of glass

But my last and greatest rocket
Lies unfinished on the grass
Oh, will no one
Jump a canyon
In my ship?

[A preternatural glow blasts through the open doorway, stage right. In walks EVEL in blinding white jumpsuit and helmet, like a faceless god. He removes his helmet.]

TRUAX

Could it be?

EVEL

Evel Knievel.
Glad to meet you--
Heard you'd like
To have someone
Jump a canyon
In your ship!

Scene ii

[INSPECTOR NADER stands alone on a darkened stage. His face is lit from below.]

NADER

I've hounded him from shore to shore,
From jump to jump, from stunt to stunt...
What do they say? "Oh what a bore!
He wants to ruin all our fun!"

O ingrates! Reckless chasers after
New sensations too extreme
To stimulate true tears or laughter,
Just a mindless, senseless scream!

Safety! Have you all ignored it?
Safety! Have you gone insane?
Safety! In the things you buy,
The things you put into your brains!

Is safety just too much to ask?
O Snake-bit mission! Thankless task!
For Safety!

Scene iii

[The Snake River Canyon in Idaho. EVEL's Sky-Cycle dominates the stage, pointing stage right; we see the canyon gaping in the distance, lit by a spectacular desert sunrise. For some reason it is surrounded by Southwestern desert and looks more like the Grand Canyon, but we won't quibble. SPECTATORS and REPORTERS gather before it, along with TRUAX. Then, from stage left, we see BETSY enter.]

ALL

[slowly and majestically]
Snake River Canyon, deep in the desert
Snake River long and wide
Evel Knievel alone tries to tame you
And fly to the other side

He flies in a rocket built by a genius
Who knows how the sky-roads wind
God in the heavens, speed Evel onward
As he leaves the Earth behind.

[EVEL appears, borne on the crowd in suit and space helmet.]

ALL

Snake River Canyon, what lies beyond you?
What paradise or hell?
Evel Knievel alone will discover
May he survive to tell.

He flies in a rocket blessed by an angel
Who rides on a motorbike:
God in the heavens, speed Evel onward
So he'll say what Heaven's like.

LONE CHILD

So heeeee'll say what Heeeeaaaaven's liiiiiiike.

[EVEL signs an autograph for the LONE CHILD, then takes off his helmet and waves to the crowd. Huge roar.]

REPORTER

My son has all your toys from Kenner.
You're even bigger than Bruce Jenner.

EVEL

If it wasn't for that do-good Nader
I'd be bigger than Darth Vader!

ANOTHER REPORTER

Prove to me that you're no faker
Jump over the LA Lakers

EVEL

I'd jump across the Mississippi
But not for you, you filthy hippie!

[EVEL is hoisted by the crowd into the Sky-Cycle's cockpit and replaces his helmet. Suddenly NADER bursts on the scene, stage left.]

NADER

Stop that man!

TRUAX

Tell me why?

NADER

Where's he going?

TRUAX

To the sky!

NADER

Who does he think he is?
Hubris is his great sin!

TRUAX

May I suggest that you
Consider the state you're in?

[All fall silent. Stage lights dim. Sparks fly from the rear of the Sky-Cycle.]

LOUDSPEAKER

Five... Four... Three... Two... One! LIFTOFF!

[The Sky-Cycle roars into the air. Hoisted halfway across the theater, it suddenly stops in midair.]

EVEL

Rocket, please don't fail me now.
I'm only human, anyhow........

[Mysterious, eerie tones: a simple tune of several notes, repeating. All lights go out, and a vast, saucer-shaped vehicle lit in many colors descends from the ceiling, engulfing the Sky-Cycle. Slowly, it descends to the stage: it is covered with big-eyed FIGURES in silver jumpsuits, who lift Evel from the Sky-Cycle, touching him with seeming reverence. Amid the blinking, star-like lights of the spaceship, a single spotlight picks out EVEL, who begins to sing, softly, then louder.]

EVEL

I opened up the throttle
And opened up my heart
And when I felt the engine surge
I knew we'd never part

I jumped into the light
And followed that star

FIGURES

But don't forget, you don't forget
To come just as you are

EVEL

I broke my arms, I broke my legs,
I broke my collarbone
But in that rush of terror
I felt I'd found my home

I jumped into the light
I followed that star

FIGURES

But don't forget, you don't regret
You came just as you are!

EVEL

I jumped a truck, I jumped a bus,
I jumped six woodies long
But when I did, I never thought
That I'd forget my song

FIGURES

You jumped into the light!
You fol lowed that staaaaar
But don't!
Forget!
That you came! As! You! Aaaaaaaaare!!

[Lights out. The only sound is Evel's scream:]

EVEL

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

[followed by a tremendous crunch. Curtain.]

ACT III

Scene i

[A gleaming, white hospital ward. White-coated DOCTORS surround what seems to be a bed, holding clipboards and talking animatedly. One of them is comforting a visibly distraught BETSY.]

DOCTOR

You say your name is Betsy?

BETSY

Why, yes. I've come for him.

DOCTOR

Why are you crying for this man?
You aren't next of kin.

BETSY

I've realized that I love Evel--
Ever since the day we met--

DOCTOR

You should know he's doing badly
We don't know how bad he'll get...

[ROBERT TRUAX bursts in, carrying a huge blueprint, which he unrolls. It seems to show a human body filled with gadgetry.]

TRUAX

I have an idea!
I have a plan!
We'll make him a bionic man!

[DOCTORS whirl into a happy dance as a string-heavy disco accompaniment, salted with some electronic beeping, begins.]

ALL

Bionic!
Bionic!
Bionic!
He's a BIonic DAREdevil NOW!
Bionic!
Bionic!
Bionic!
And YOU'RE gonna SHOW us all HOW!

TRUAX

Make him dream of ramps and tires! Then
Fill him full of chips and wires! And
Make him fasterSTRONGerBETter Noooooooowwwww....

[DOCTORS tilt the bed toward the audience. On the bed lies EVEL, his chest cavity seemingly open and full of blinking lights.]

ALL

Bionic!
Bionic!
Bionic!
He's a BIonic DAREdevil NOW!
Bionic!
Bionic!
Bionic!
And YOU'RE gonna SHOW us all HOW!

TRUAX

Make him stronger than a horse! And
Super-senses too, of course! And
Make him fasterSTRONGerBETter Noooooooowwwww....

[EVEL gets up from the bed, puts on a red, white, and blue jogging suit, and starts running in place, grinning broadly.]

ALL

Bionic!
Bionic!
Bionic!
He's a BIonic DAREdevil NOW!
Bionic!
Bionic!
Bionic!
And YOU'RE gonna SHOW us all HOW!
BIONIC!

[All freeze, except for EVEL and BETSY, who kiss.]

Scene ii

[A desolate plain on the planet Pluto. EVEL emerges from the supercharged Sky-Cycle II and looks about. At stage left is Mission Control, where the CAPCOM speaks to EVEL by some instantaneous means.]

EVEL

[spoken, while planting an American flag]
As the first bionic man on Pluto, I feel it is my duty to say that weirdos and filthy hippies have given space travel a bad name. They do it for kicks, they use drugs, they get "high". Well, you don't have to. Space travel is already high. It's the highest high, the daringest dare there is!

CAPCOM

Roger that, Evel. But I don't think anyone was listening.

EVEL

What?

CAPCOM

They've forgotten you, Evel,
In your time of greatest deed;
They've decided that daredevils are--

EVEL

[softly] Unsafe at any speed.
Yes, Nader never caught me,
But, anyway, he's won.
He's scared the fans; he's made them want
A safer form of fun...
And terrors much too sanitized
To frighten anyone...
But I feel like I'm seeking something
On this ball of ice--
Snake River told me something once,
I'm bound to find it twice--

[The mysterious tones play again. From the wings come the silver-suited FIGURES again, now on roller skates. They crisscross the stage in elaborate formations, and sing:]

FIGURES

There is a daring man I know
His name's Knievel-Evel-Pow
He jumps through hoops of fiery flames
And comes through unscathed anyhow

Nabobs and Naders shake their fists
But somehow Evel soldiers on
And flies to Pluto all alone
To find the thing he saw at dawn--

EVEL

And learn I must accept my fate
And face it without fear or hate--
I understand!

Scene iii

[The set of a commercial for a hotel chain. The DIRECTOR, CAMERAMEN and STAGEHANDS, and BETSY look on. On a neatly made bed sits a suitcase. It opens, and the top half of EVEL pops out. He looks aged and incredibly tired.]

EVEL

[spoken]
When you've got as many broken bones as I have,
you need a comfy bed...

DIRECTOR

Cut! More pathos!

[Enter an older NADER, pointing at EVEL with a livid expression.]

NADER

Evel Knievel!

EVEL

Ah, Nader-- good.

NADER

I must arrest you!

EVEL

I wish you would.
I've had enough of being scared
Of anything at all,
Even being old and worn
And headed for a fall--
Obscurity or maybe jail,
RV shows or the mall--

[Lights go down, except for a spotlight on EVEL, still in the trick suitcase.]

EVEL

I opened up the throttle
And opened up my heart
And when I felt the engine surge
I knew we'd never part

I jumped into the light
And followed that star

BETSY

But don't forget, you can't forget
To come just as you are

EVEL

I jumped Snake River Canyon
Well, half the way, at least
But in my time of greatest fear
I found some sweet release

I jumped into the light
I followed that star

NADER

[struck with sudden compassion]
But don't forget, you don't regret
You came just as you are!

[Music swells, as a gleaming celestial motorcycle descends from above. EVEL climbs out of the suitcase and climbs aboard, and the cycle levitates out over the audience.]

ALL

You jumped into the light!
You fol lowed that staaaaar
But don't!
Forget!
That you came! As! You! Aaaaaaaaare!!

EVEL

[triumphant]
Don't try this at home, kids!

ALL

EEEEEEEVEL!!!!

[Curtain.]

-- 
Font-o-Meter!      Proportional  Monospaced
                                      ^
Physics, humor, Stanislaw Lem reviews: http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/

References

[1] Regis, Ed. Great Mambo Chicken and the Transhuman Condition. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1990, ISBN 0-201-56751-2.

Kasting by Kibo

Evel Knievel --   Roy Scheider

Robert Truax --   Roy Dotrice

Kibo --           Jonathan Pryce

Ralph Nader --    Truman Bradley

Betsy --          The Nicole Kidmantronic 2000 Robo-Droidette