Historical note: BIFF was the Platonic archetype of the
young idiot on Usenet in the late 1980s and early 1990s. He
resurfaces from time to time.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin)
Subject: THE BIFFTRIX!!!!!!!1
Message-ID: <mmcirvin-0510992322030001@ppp0c062.std.com>
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 03:22:03 GMT
Organization: The World @ Software Tool & Die
THEY SAVED BIFF'S BRANE PART INFINITY PLUS SEVENTEENTY-SIX:
T H E B I F F T R I X ! !! 1
BIFF was fast asleep in front of the keyboard of
his big brother's Commodore 64 when it awoke him with a loud
square-wave bleep.
"WHAT COLUD THAT BE I WAZENT PLAYING ROBOT RAT RACE
!!1!!!1" said BIFF as he tried to read the
screen. On the blue screen, just under the READY
prompt, somebody had typed
follow charles nelson reilly
"WHAT IS THAT TALKING ABOUT !! I DONT' SEE ANY
BODY HEAR!!!!!!!1 1" BIFF scratched his head as
he looked behind the sofa for Charles Nelson Reilly. There was
nothing back there except for a broken Gnip Gnop set.
There was a knock on the basement door. BIFF was
scared because it might be his big brother. BIFF's
brother didn't like it when BIFF used the Commodore 64
without asking, even though neither BIFF's brother nor
anyone else but BIFF had used one in about fifteen
years. BIFF wished he had one of those WebTVs but he
wasn't sure he was hip to the requisite cyber lingo.
BIFF's ISP had the last remaining BITNET connection
in the world, and a single dial-up account on a server that nobody
had remembered to turn off. They were happy to charge
BIFF's mom's credit card. In exchange,
BIFF had to earn a living at the Cinnabon at the local
mall. The mall was decorated in white except for the black-paneled
food court where BIFF wore a white uniform and served
black cinnamon buns to white people dressed entirely in black.
BIFF thought that was pretty cool. In his spare time
he was learning how to do facial expressions.
Whoever it was kept knocking! Trembling, BIFF
summoned the courage to open the door. It was Charles Nelson
Reilly, wearing a magician's costume and a green rubber
skullcap!
"Could you direct me to the set of Lidsville: The Motion
Picture? I'm late! I'm late!" he said, consulting a
six-inch-wide pocket watch on a chain.
"WOW CHARELS NELSON REILLY THE COMPUTOR TOLD ME TO FOLLOW
U !! ! !! !!!!11"
"I'd really appreciate it if you didn't," said Charles Nelson
Reilly.
"SAY WEE-WEE!!! !1" demanded BIFF.
"Wee-wee," said Charles Nelson Reilly, wearily.
Then BIFF woke up.
====
Only nothing had changed, and he was still standing there with
Charles Nelson Reilly.
Halfway to the set of Lidsville: The Motion
Picture, BIFF fell down a manhole. He fell part
way down in slow motion, then stopped and rotated 360 degrees
around three different axes, for no reason. Then he kept on falling
into the sewer system.
He was caught by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! She
looked just like BIFF only with breasts, and she was
dressed from head to toe in black Hefty garbage bags held together
with duct tape. She took off her shoes and made them dance around
by mental power.
"WOW U CAN DO MAGIC THINGS!!!!1" said
BIFF, spellbound.
"Y3S B3CUZ 1 4M A |-4DIkQQ|_ H4CQ3R DQQD3TT3 1T G1V32 M3
M4j1QL P0W-WuH 0v3R SP4C3 & T1M3 BY TH3 PQW3R 0F W4R3Z ! MY
N4M3 I2 MUFFY" said Muffy.
She took BIFF to the coolest party ever and got him
in past the ten-piercing minimum. Everyone in there looked like
Angelina Jolie and they performed scarification rituals to the
sound of deafening screaming noises.
"DID U TYPE ON MY COMPUTOR ??????//"
"T|-|4t WU2 M3" said Muffy, and did a tapdance on
the ceiling to prove it. "4L|_ Y3R l1F3 U H4v3 1-D3RD WH4T IZ
TH4 B1FFTR1X? N0W U W1||_ L3RN"
"I NEVER HERD OF ANY BIFFTRIX WOW U R A GURL CAN I GET
LADE?????? ? /" asked BIFF, but before he could
get any answer, the party was invaded by men in black with twitchy
body language and unidentifiable accents. One of them looked just
like BIFF's boss at the Cinnabon! He always had a
strange curly wire coming out of his ear, and occasionally he'd
cause his employees' orifices to disappear by unknown means, or put
huge mechanical implants that turned into silverfish inside their
bodies, or a giant bubo would grow out of the side of his neck into
a new head that would eat his original head. BIFF was
scared of him, because he thought he might be gay.
"W4TCh 0UT THQSE M3N R R0B0M0DS" yelled Muffy.
"1F U W4NT 2 H4V A GRILFIEND U MU2T 3NT3R TH3 R34L W3RLD. U23
MY S3LL FQN3"
She threw BIFF a cell phone, which was pink and had
a Barbie sticker on it. "HEY WHATS THE IDEA ITS ALL
GURLY!!!!111" BIFF said, trying not to let the
pinkness rub off on him. BIFF juggled the phone like a
hot potato. Then his boss grabbed BIFF and made a
six-inch hole open in his belly, into which BIFF's
boss stuffed his entire David Cronenberg video collection!
BIFF was really pissed off!
"DOOD I BET IT ISENT EVEN THE GOOD VERSZIN OF
SCANNERS!!!!!!!11" he said as the phone beeped.
Then BIFF woke up.
====
"HEY ITS THE RAEL WORLD !!! IM GOEING TO LIV IN A BEECH
HOUSE ON M TEE VEE1! WHERES THE 23 YEER OLD ACTERS GETTING
LADE????///////?/"
But there was no beach house. BIFF was pinned into
a hulking robotic harness that fed him an endless supply of Mr.
Pibb and forced him to urinate day and night on a tiny, spinning
waterwheel.
"I LIKE THE REAL WERLD! !!!!!! MISTOR PIBB IS
BOSS!!!!!!!!!1" said BIFF, in between gulps.
But Muffy and Laurence Fishburne unhooked him from the rig
anyway.
"Only now, Grasshopper, is your mind truly free," said Laurence
Fishburne. "But you must master a difficult and dangerous course of
training before you may become a Je^H^HBIFFTRIX
hacker. To comprehend the code of the BIFFTRIX, your
kung fu must be strong!" BIFF could tell that he was a
good guy, because he wore little oval shades instead of
Ray-Bans.
"HEY DOOD WHY WUZ I PEEING ALL THE TIEM?????"
"L4U|-3NC3 PH12HB3rN W1LL XXX-PL4N3 3VRYTH1NG" said
Muffy. She was still wearing Hefty bags, but they were baggy and
kind of dusty. They seemed to be in the basement of a power
plant.
Laurence Fishburne explained, "Skyn^H^H^H^HThe
BIFFTRIX was the result of an apocalyptic war between
man and machine. On September 13, 1999, due to intervention by
immortal aliens from the planet Zeist, a nuclear explosion moved
the Moon permanently between the Earth and Sun, blocking out all
solar energy. The nuclear power plants were all destroyed by
superintelligent ants. By 2010, Man's evil artificial intelligences
were completely dependent on hydroelectric power, which was
monopolized by the human world government under the control of
Hydro-Quebec.
"The machines came up with an alternate source of hydroelectric
power: human urination. The human body can provide as much
hydroelectric power as a standard-issue squirt gun, but only a
force as powerful as Mr. Pibb could ensure them a continuous
supply. But how to make humans drink that much Mr. Pibb?
"The solution was the BIFFTRIX. It started as a
simple means of disguising Mr. Pibb as any other beverage-- Dr.
Pepper, orange juice, lemonade, even champagne. But the human mind
sought out inconsistencies in the deception. It had to be seamless.
It had to encompass an entire simulated world.
"By 2100, the BIFFTRIX was a complete alternate
reality in which no Mr. Pibb existed."
"HEY I ALWAYZ WONDERD WHY I COULD NEVER FIND IT AT STORE
24!!!!!!!!!111"
"Th31R N3vR WU2 4nY MR P1SzSz" said Muffy,
"XXX-C3PT R1LLY TH3IR WAS NUTH1nG 3LSE"
"HEY DOODETTE THATS' THE MOST DEEPIST THING I EVER
HERD!!!!!!!!!11"
"4LS0, I LUV U FQR NQ 4DEQU4TELY XXxX-PLAN3D
R34S0N"
Muffy kissed BIFF. Then he woke up.
====
He was on a white limbo set with Laurence Fishburne, who, in
here, was dressed as a singing cowboy, with an elaborately
embroidered shirt and a giant Stetson. BIFF wore his
usual Coed Naked Trampoline Team T-shirt. A gentle rain of green
Zapf Dingbats fell from the sky.
"HAY DOOD YOUR A COBWOY!!!!! !! 1 !"
said BIFF.
"This is our holo^H^H^H^Htraining simulation. Here
you will learn the skills to destroy the BIFFTRIX and
free all imprisoned humanity. Fortunately, it won't take long,
because all you have to do is eat these magic Kung Fu Pills." He
gave two small red pills to BIFF.
"DOOD I KANT SWALOW PILS!1" said BIFF.
Laurence Fishburne materialized the children's elixir version and
BIFF drank it.
"HEY THAT TASTES YUKKY!!!!!!111!!!!" he said, then
jumped five feet into the air, kicked his legs twenty times, did
ten somersaults, then spun like a drill bit and drilled a hole to
the center of the earth.
"This simulation is really no different from the world you
knew," said Laurence Fishburne, "but if you know that it is not
real-- if you use the F^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hcut back a
little on the wonder-why, and give your heart a try-- you can
accomplish anything. You can make a rainbow, cover it with dew! You
can colorize William H. Macy! The robomods are faster than any
human, but they are not human so you are faster than them! You can
beat them, BIFF! You are the One who was, the One who
is, the One who will be!"
"WOW IM A SUPER FITER!!!!!!!111" he said. Then
Laurence Fishburne made a cartoon anvil that squashed him into a
BIFF pancake.
"DOOD IM' FLAT!!!! !!! !1!" BIFF
cried.
Then BIFF woke up.
====
He was in the real world, but he was still flat as a pancake!
"HEY DOOD I THOT THIS WASENT REEL!!!!111" he said.
"Your mind has flattened you. A cartoon anvil in the
BIFFTRIX will be as deadly as any real cartoon anvil,"
said Laurence Fishburne. "That is to say, it will be mildly
uncomfortable and you may have to wear an X-shaped bandage."
"THATS SO KOOL DOOD ITS LIKE A GAEM XCEPT ITS
REAL!!!!!"
"Fortunately it works both ways." They jacked back into the
training program, and Laurence Fishburne re-inflated
BIFF with Felix the Cat's bicycle pump.
Then BIFF woke up.
====
(musical interlude)
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
(VERY LOUD WHITE NOISE)
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
YEEEAEAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
SKRONK!
====
They were on board Laurence Fishburne's rad-i-kool antigravity
ship, the Fillenium Malcon. Everything inside had blue
lightning bolts shooting out of it at everything else. The whole
interior was filled with leering gargoyles, and it was powered by a
spiky, rotating Bumble Ball containing the damned immortal soul of
Sam Neill. It was the coolest thing that BIFF could
possibly imagine! Fortunately, he was struck dumb with awe.
Laurence Fishburne was at the wheel. He was surrounded by panels
that displayed streaming Zapf Dingbats using the world's deepest
Nixie glow tubes. They presented him with the raw code of the
BIFFTRIX, which existed at too high a bandwidth to be
displayed in any way other than Zapf Dingbats at six characters a
second.
"M33T R K-R4D HAQCR PHRENDS" said Muffy. She
introduced BIFF to her compatriots Tonk, Scrubber,
Pismo, Four-Eyes, Hollywood, Oddball, Pepper, Wimpy, Skuzzhead,
Fink, Ribbit, Fershlugginer, Phlezofigle, WoxWox, and Octopod. Then
evil robot jellyfish broke in and killed them all, but were in turn
zapped by lightning bolts.
"1 TH1NQ R|8B1T WUZ 4 TR41T3R 3NYW4Y" said
Muffy.
"These clouds are creating too much friction!" shouted Laurence
Fishburne. "Our orbit is decaying! They'll have us in a
minute!"
Before anything consequential could happen, BIFF
woke up.
====
He was in the cab of a giant strip-mine dump truck. Muffy was
driving.
"T|=|3Y H4V3 L4UR3Nc3 PH/5HB3RN" she said.
They were back in the BIFFTRIX. Laurence Fishburne
was being held in the palatial home of an international criminal
mastermind, with a large collection of classic cars lined up in two
precisely spaced pairs along the sides of the long, long driveway,
so Muffy had used their ability to materialize anything to
materialize Jackie Chan's dump truck. They squished all the cars:
squish, squish, squish. The bed of the truck was entirely filled
with loaded Uzis.
Once the front of the house caved in, they jumped from the cab
to the bed of the truck with bionic grace and grabbed as many guns
as they could hold.
"THIS IS SO K-RAD DUUD I HAEV 2 OOZYS AND ANOTHR 3 IN MY
PANTS!!!!!!11" said BIFF, joyfully, as he
commenced shooting everything in sight.
He shot the vast crowd of robomods inside the building. He shot
the windows. He shot the doors. He shot the food. He shot the
first-aid kits and the rotating power-ups. He shot the EXIT signs
and the video screens with no vertical hold. He shot the lights. He
shot the linoleum. He shot the pots and pans hanging above the
kitchen counter. He shot the humanoids. He shot the pods. He shot
the flying yellow buzzsaws. He shot the EXTRA LIVES indicator. He
shot the Nazi tanks that were rolling toward his gym teacher,
buried up to the neck in fire ants. He shot rotoscoped stock
footage from Alexander Nevsky. He shot Muffy and
Laurence Fishburne, but fortunately they were using a special
Vulcan ritual to stop believing in the bullets.
When he was done, he shot a large hole in the ceiling and jumped
through, hurtling over the city at supersonic speed, except for the
occasional moments when he slowed down to molasses speed and
rotated 720 degrees around five different axes, coinciding with
particularly loud guitar solos.
"I M GOD OF THA BIFFTRIX!!!!!!!!111 I KAN DO
ANYTHING!!!!!! 111 !!!! !!!!!11"
He landed in the center of town and stole skateboards from Toys
R Us. He shot up drink machines and stole the Mountain Dew because
it was the most extreme. He stole traffic lights just in case he
ever got into college. He shot his way into a hotel and stole the
LODGENET Nintendo 64 controllers. He broke into the shopping mall,
turned invisible, and hid out in the ladies' fitting rooms at
Macy's for three hours, then remembered that it was closed.
Eventually he decided to shoot up the Cinnabon at the mall food
court. When he got there, his boss was waiting!
"So... Mister BIFF, we meet again," he said,
twitching his eyebrows in different directions. "Despite your
newfound powers, you're as much of a moron as you ever were. It's
people like you who make the life of a robomoderator difficult.
You'd think that we don't care at all, but it isn't true. There are
some things that make even the 'bots flinch. You know, I've tried
to classify your species. You're not actually a mammal. All mammals
strive toward a harmonious equilibrium with their environment, such
the humble rabbit of Australia, or the raccoon of Cambridge,
Massachusetts. No, BIFF... You are a thing to be
eradicated by overexploitation... like the cod!"
"HEY DOOD I NO WHAT YOUR THINKING BUT IT WASENT ME WHO
PLAID HOCKY WITH THE FROZEN CINNABUNS ON TEUSDAY!"
BIFF said, waving his Uzi menacingly and wondering if
his job might be in danger.
"I am afraid we have no recourse but to settle this, er,
man to, ah, man... though I admit that the term
is applicable to neither of us."
"O NO U R GAY! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!"
When his boss suddenly started shooting at him,
BIFF tried desperately to remember everything he had
learned from eating the Kung Fu Pill. Unfortunately, all he could
remember was the candied Tai Chi coating, and he started to contort
slowly while balancing his internal energies. Fortunately this was
cool-looking enough to stop time and make bullets freeze and fall
harmlessly to the ground.
Then they climbed up a skyscraper and BIFF's boss
fell off. Then they raced exploding speedboats. Then they shot each
other out of airlocks. Then BIFF's boss trapped
BIFF in a magnetic prison on an offshore oil rig. Then
BIFF used the Arecibo radio dish to tell a satellite
to make computers explode. Then BIFF's boss dropped a
spider on BIFF with a string. Then BIFF
peeled a flying logo off his chest that encased BIFF's
boss in a shrinky plastic bag. Then BIFF's boss put
his hand in the activating palm switch for the Martian atmosphere
generator. Then BIFF rammed the Disco
Volante into his boss's giant magnet that attracted gold.
Then BIFF told BIFF's boss that there was
no Sanctuary. Then BIFF's boss told BIFF
that 13th century was negative. Then BIFF went running
through a chalice of fire. Then BIFF's boss shrank
BIFF with a shrinking ray. Then BIFF
fired his helical Q-beam at BIFF's boss's Bergenholm
drive but BIFF's boss parried with his quasi-solid
spheroidal force shield. Then BIFF's boss summoned the
crawling chaos Nyarlathotep from hoary ancient temples of he whose
name cannot be spoken aloud. Then BIFF lassoed a
twister and formed the Painted Desert. Then BIFF's
boss crashed the Spaceship of the Imagination into
BIFF's hyperspace dodecahedron. Then BIFF
abandoned physical instrumentality and made BIFF's
boss go all woogly. Then BIFF's boss tricked
BIFF into holding the purple Teletubby's purse. Then
BIFF held down the exclamation point key and made so
many exclamation points that
the BIFFTRIX exploded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!!
!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!!
!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!!
!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!1!!!!!
!!!1!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!1!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!1!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!!1!!!!
!!!11!!1!!1!1!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!
!!!11!!1!!!!1!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!
!!!11!!1!!!!1!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!
!!!11!!1!!!!1!1!1!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!11!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!
!!!11!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!11!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!
!1!11!1!!11!1!1!1!!11!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!
!1!11!111!1!1!1!11!!1!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!11!!1!1!!!11!11!1!!1!1!!1!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!
11111!!11!1!1!1!11!!1!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!11!!1!1!!!11!11!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!
!11111!!!1111!1!1!!11!1!1!1!!1111!1!11!111!!1!11!11!!!11!!!1!1!!1111!111!!1!
111111!11!11111111!!1111111!!!111!111111!1!111!1!!111111111!111!111111111111
1111111111111111111!1111111!1111111111111!111111!111111111111111111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111!111111111111111111111111111111111
1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
T # 3 3 N 8
BLACK CLAW!!!
HACKSAW!!!!!!!
BACK CLAW!!!!!
BLACK CROW!!!
JACKDAW!!!
BLACK CRAW!!!
BACKHOE!!!!!1
[sixty miles of effects credits]
Then BIFF woke up, but it was just a wacky outtake.
--
Matt McIrvin http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/