Mike Caprio
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Lessons - Background

It's funny what you come up with when you stay up at all hours.

I've had a lot of time to myself since last Fall. I think I've been putting it to good use... learning about me, thinking about my past, wondering about my future. Actually planning my future, instead of just going along with the currents. Big changes for me, a lot of them really pretty positive.

This page contains some really personal writings; they may or may not be of any interest to the general Internet public, or anyone else but me for that matter, but the main purpose of this is a little self-therapy anyway. Writing has always been my outlet for this kind of thing, it has always helped me organize my thoughts and feelings and let me take some snapshots of my current state of mind.

Some caveats: I don't mean for any of this to sound like absolute truth. And I'm certainly not trying to imply that these insights are going to work for anybody other than me. This page is simply a way for me to record and reflect upon some lessons I've learned recently.

I'm looking for some understanding, and maybe a little closure. I think I'm getting pretty close. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've finally come into my own. Maybe I've grown up a little more. Or maybe not. Either way, I feel more in charge of my life. Maybe I just needed a kick in the pants to get there. Or a couple of kicks, as the case seems to be...

happiness comes from within

I'm the only person that can make me happy. My happiness or sadness isn't dependent on another person. If I decide to be happy, I can be happy. In saying that, I don't mean to imply that happiness is something that should be forced - sometimes it's really important to be sad. You can't heal unless you can mourn, and you have to be sad to do that.

I know there are things that make it easier to choose happiness. I miss the physical and emotional support of a relationship. It's hard to not miss something that was such a big part of my life for so long. Just knowing that someone is there for you means so much; even if nothing else was intact, if everything else was broken, just the fact that there's a person to go home to...

It's not necessary to be with another person, even though it really sucks to not be able to get a hug when I need it. It's still not a requirement for happiness.

loneliness is a choice

If I'm feeling lonely, it's because I am choosing to be alone. I don't have to be alone, I can go out and have a good time with my friends, or take someone out to dinner. There are so many wonderful people that care about me that I sometimes can't believe my luck.

I need to be alone sometimes. If I didn't feel lonely once in a while, I wouldn't be as grateful of the friends and loved ones I'm blessed with. Sometimes I just have to get away for a while.

Loneliness is not a bad thing. And it's easily remedied if you have too much of it.

some problems can't be solved

This isn't a negative statement. I'm trying very hard to be less negative, and I think I'm succeeding, though maybe only a little. The simple fact of this insight is the realization that there is sometimes no solution to a problem that you have to face. Some questions have no answers. Some things are not in the cards. Some paths will never be taken.

It may be that the better part of wisdom is being able to recognize when you've encountered this kind of situation. Once you realize there may be no resolution, you can put an end to your frustration.

And maybe some things don't need to change. Maybe things are better the way they are. It's hard to know that for sure, but it does give a small comfort to think that way.

This is not the same thing as giving up. It's not quitting because you don't feel like fighting anymore; it's more about realizing that the battle is over.

there is always hope

This one's pretty self-explanatory. And a little contradictory, I know. I guess that's a big part of me, sometimes I feel like one big contradiction.

I will never stop dreaming. I will always hope for things that may never come to pass. I may have to move on, but my feelings will never change.

I know that anything can happen. Things change all the time, and nobody knows what the future holds. If you asked me five years ago where I thought I would be today, the answer would be nothing at all like what has actually come to pass.

I may be negative. I may be cynical. I may even be a totally miserable bastard sometimes. The fact of the matter is that deep inside of me my heart is still filled with hope and love, and it always will be.

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