Libertarianism in One Lesson
Part of the "Critiques of Libertarianism" site.
Last updated 10/25/07.
No, this isn't David Bergland's evangelistic text. This is an
outsider's view of the precepts of libertarianism. I hope you can
laugh at how close this is to real libertarianism!
One of the most attractive features of libertarianism is that it is
basically a very simple ideology. Maybe even simpler than Marxism,
since you don't have to learn foreign words like "proletariat".
This brief outline will give you most of the tools you need
to hit the ground running as a freshly indoctrinated libertarian
ideologue. Go forth and proselytize!
In the beginning, man dwelt in a state of Nature, until the serpent
Government tempted man into Initial Coercion.
Government is the Great Satan. All Evil comes from Government, and all
Good from the Market, according to the Ayatollah Rand.
We must worship the Horatio Alger fantasy that the meritorious few will
just happen to have the lucky breaks that make them rich. Libertarians
happen to be the meritorious few by ideological correctness. The rest
can go hang.
Government cannot own things because only individuals can own things.
Except for corporations, partnerships, joint ownership, marriage, and
anything else we except but government.
Parrot these arguments, and you too will be a singular, creative,
Parents cannot choose a government for their children any more than
they can choose language, residence, school, or religion.
Taxation is theft because we have a right to squat in the US and benefit
from defense, infrastructure, police, courts, etc. without obligation.
Magic incantations can overturn society and bring about libertopia.
Sovereign citizenry! The 16th Amendment is invalid! States rights!
Objectivist/Neo-Tech Advantage #69i : The true measure of fully
integrated honesty is whether the sucker has opened his wallet.
Thus sayeth the Profit Wallace. Zonpower Rules Nerdspace!
The great Zen riddle of libertarianism: minimal government is necessary
and unnecessary. The answer is only to be found by individuals.
The FDA is solely responsible for any death or sickness where it might
have prevented treatment by the latest unproven fad.
Children, criminals, death cultists, and you all have the same
inalienable right to own any weaponry: conventional, chemical,
biological, or nuclear.
All food, drugs, and medical treatments should be entirely unregulated:
every industry should be able to kill 300,000 per year in the US like
the tobacco industry.
If you don't have a gun, you are not a libertarian. If you do have a
gun, why don't you have even more powerful armament?
Better to abolish all regulations, consider everything as property,
and solve all controversy by civil lawsuit over damages. The US
doesn't have enough lawyers, and people who can't afford to invest many
thousands of dollars in lawsuits should shut up.
Libertarians invented outrage over government waste, bureaucracy,
injustice, etc. Nobody else thinks they are bad, knows they exist,
or works to stop them.
Enlightenment comes only through repetition of the sacred mantra
"Government does not work" according to Guru Browne.
Only government is force, no matter how many Indians were killed by
settlers to acquire their property, no matter how many blacks were
enslaved and sold by private companies, no matter how many heads of
union members are broken by private police.
Money that government touches spontaneously combusts, destroying the
economy. Money retained by individuals grows the economy, even if
Private education works, public education doesn't. The publicly
educated masses that have grown the modern economies of the past 150
years are an illusion.
Market failures, trusts, and oligopolies are lies spread by the evil
economists serving the government as described in the "Protocols of
the Elders of Statism".
Central planning cannot work. Which is why all businesses internally
are run like little markets, with no centralized leadership.
Paternalism is the worst thing that can be inflicted upon people, as
everyone knows that fathers are the most hated and reviled figures in
Government is like fire, a dangerous servant and a fearsome master.
Therefore, we should avoid it entirely, as we do all forms of combustion.
Political Debate Strategy
The Libertarian Party is well on its way to dominating the political
landscape, judging from its power base of 100+ elected dogcatchers and
other important officials after 25 years of effort.
The "Party of Oxymoron": "Individualists unite!"
Flip answers are more powerful than the best reasoned arguments, which
is why so many libertarians are in important government positions.
It's time the new pro-freedom libertarian platform was implemented;
child labor, orphanages, sweatshops, poorhouses,
company towns, monopolies, trusts, cartels, blacklists, private goons,
Libertarianism "rules" Internet political debate the same way US
Communism "ruled" pamphleteering.
No compromise from the "Party of Principle". Justice, happiness,
liberty, guns, and other good stuff come only from rigidly adhering
to inflexible dogmas.
Minimal government is whatever we say it is, and we don't agree.
Government is "moving steadily in a libertarian direction" with every
change libertarians approve of; no matter if it takes one step forward
and two steps backwards.
Yes, the symbol of the Libertarian Party is a Big Government Statue.
It's not supposed to be funny or ironic!
Count only the benefits of libertarianism, count only the costs of
Five of a factoid beats a full argument.
All historical examples are tainted by statism, except when they favor
Spiritually baptize the deceased as libertarians because they cannot
protest the anachronism: Locke, Smith, Paine, Jefferson, Spooner, etc.
The most heavily armed libertarian has the biggest dick and thus the
The best multi-party democratic republics should be equated to the worst
dictatorships for the purposes of denouncing statism. It's only a
matter of degree.
Inviolate private property is the only true measure of freedom.
Those without property have the freedom to try to acquire it.
If they can't, let them find somebody else's property to complain on.
Private ownership is the cure for all problems, despite the historical
record of privately owned states such as Nazi Germany, Czarist and
Stalinist Russia, and Maoist China.
Require perfection as the only applicable standard to judge government:
libertarianism, being imaginary, cannot be fairly judged to have flaws.
Only libertarian economists' Nobel Prizes count: the other economists
and Nobel Prize Committee are mistaken.
Any exceptional case of private production proves that government
ought not to be involved.
Copyright 2007 by Mike Huben ( email@example.com ).
This document may be freely distributed for non-commercial purposes if it is reproduced in its textual entirety, with this notice intact.