There are many side conversations we have around this phenomena, with
other tools, related to its different aspects (like intention vs.
mechanism, attitudes, have to vs. choose to, causation vs. victimization,
survival mentalities, etc.)
This is a particular thread of a conversation I have with people in
discussing how we communicate and manage our relationships; its related to
the Spirited Discussion Thread in that we respond to
messages/communications in one of three ways:
Judgement: Good/Bad, Right/Wrong
Evaluation: How Useful something is
Discrimination: Differences, apples and oranges thinking
What I hear you saying is that we could be more effective in creating "Z"
by doing "X".
I acknowledge this point of view.
I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with your point of view; I understand what
you are saying. I see how there is utility for you in doing "X". My
point of view is we can create "Z" by other means than "X", lets say "Y".
If we really want "Z", I can make any path (X, Y, ...) work, it doesn't
matter. Just pick one and go.
Choices are not good, not bad, not better, not worse
(all are judgements of things)
(discrimination between things)
*How do I tell the difference between J, E, and D?
Is an apple better than an orange? (judgment)
Are apples more useful than oranges? (evaluation)
Is an apple different than an orange? (discrimination)
I won't make a judgement, I might make an evaluation, but the bottom line
is I have no opinion, I will only acknowledge that they are different.
Do I want an apple or an orange? I have a preference, but that preference
isn't based on better/worse, its based on what I want and like.
If I choose an apple over an orange, that isn't a judgement of the orange,
nor of the apple. It is a declaration of what I want, nothing more. The
choice, often perceived as judgement of others, is wholey in myself. Its
not my intent to judge. If you perceive judgement in my choice or point
of view, what is in you that creates the need to see judgements and/or
feel judged? Its just my point of view.
*Why do we perceive judgement in the choice, and the object of the choice?
Why can't we (in general) acknowledge people's choices for what they are,
(a choice for what they want, not a judgement of us), support them in
their declaration, and (it is rare that we have conviction/intention to
declare what we really want), help them anyway we can?
Rather than imagine what could happen and judge it, (judgement)
could you imagine what you/we want to happen, and (what is it I
describe how that is different? (discrimination and
And if we both REALLY want that
(the hard thing to get to, tap into your feelings)
Lets mutually CHOOSE TO do it
(make a declaration, singular or as a dyadic relationship)
and have the intention to do it
(investing energy in y/our choice to make it a reality)
no matter what obstacles exist. We'll remove them as we find them.
If we CHOOSE NOT TO, it is just a different declaration of what we want.
I won't judge that choice, its just a different choice, which produces
Do you understand what will happen based on those different results?
All we are declaring is the choice to invest the energy in a different way.
(Different way, different results).
Will those different results present their own obstacles?
(Yes. and they will be different obstacles.)
Will they be better or worse obstacles?
(Doesn't matter. We'll still remove them as we find them.)
We can produce "Z" a number of different ways.
Each way (X, Y, ...) produces a different set or variation of "Z".
Each way has a different set of obstacles.
What's important is that we understand each others point of view,
and if we want to create "Z", we mutually choose the ONE way
(X, Y, ...)
which we will attain our desired result
What our result will look like at different points in time will depend on
the "way" we choose to follow.
and I'm always open to discussing the other points of view.
I choose not to be anxious or frustrated about what path we chose,
because it was mutual, we have intention, and we'll remove obstacles as we
encounter them. We made an agreement. Only if we have breakdowns in
keeping our agreements will we struggle to achieve our results.
email@example.com (Scott R. Cypher)
Learning-org -- An Internet Dialog on Learning Organizations For info: <firstname.lastname@example.org> -or- <http://world.std.com/~lo/>