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// for deep thought printed at top of page
 function getDeepThought (){
  var quotes = new Array();
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. 'Sorry,' he said with a smile. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull with common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!' ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be too PROUD to be sprayed by one. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing.' This is truth, to me. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him 'Flint.' ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you're ever stuck in some deep undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.' ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they would still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says 'You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "When I think back on all the blessings in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. I think, 'Aw, who cares?' And then I think, 'Hey, what's for supper?' ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, 'Forgive me, but that's just too much.' ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go 'Whoa! Whoa!' and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they just don't go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny and the head movie guy would say, 'Hey, let's put him in the movie.' ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers? ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?! ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets and answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind.' What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, 'Can\'t you make it shoot farther?' No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Why is it that we laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry cleaner bags? ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Probably the earliest fly-swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should think about getting more use out of the weapons we already have. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you go flying back through time, and you see someone else flying into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.' ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions? ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. 'Get down!' yelled Uncle Lou. 'Don't move!' screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I'll bet that's what really throws you into a panic. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship.' Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of the pudding skin. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
quotes[quotes.length] = {quote: "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis. ", author: "Jack Handy"};
  var currIndex = Math.floor(Math.random () * (quotes.length));
  var output = "<p class='dt-quote' >" + quotes[currIndex].quote + "</p>";
  output += "<span class='dt-author'>";
  output += quotes[currIndex].author + "</span>";
  return output;
}

// $Id: index_html.js,v 1.2 2004/12/31 18:33:09 Laurens_Dorsey Exp $