Frank talks about anonymous sex and depression

There was a time in my life, especially in my 20's, when multiple sexual encounters and variety were more important to me than they are now. Promiscuity was much safer when I was young. There was no AIDS to worry about. There were crabs and the garden variety of curable sexually transmitted diseases. I never had an STD; I had crabs 4 or 5 times, but only once since I have been married.

Even when I was quite promiscuous, that period some refer to as the "slut" phase, I was more content when I had the undivided attention of one guy. But those relationships were short-lived until I was out of the Air Force and had a steady, reliable male partner living with me. Then I was much less likely to "stray", and most of the times when I did, it was with friends I already knew and had been to bed with before, not anonymous sex. In other words, I didn't try to meet anyone new.

Sporadic anonymous sex was my outlet after marriage. It didn't happen the first two years I was engaged, then married, but when my wife was almost ready to deliver our first child, an opportunity to have gay sex appeared during a business trip to New Orleans, and I didn't resist. In looking back, I see that the frequency depended on my emotional state. I was using gay sex as an anti-anxiety therapy. I would seek it out when I was upset about something, when I wanted to forget about current problems, w hen I wanted to feel loved. It didn't really work well, and by the time I was in my 50's I was well into depression, and anonymous sex became less and less satisfying.

My depression became severe enough to affect my work. My productivity declined. I just couldn't get up in the morning, and slept poorly at night. I frequently curtailed or canceled business appointments because of fatigue, frequent colds, gastrointestinal symptoms, etc. My depression was bad enough to seriously affect my income. I told myself that I was depressed because I was worried about money and working too hard. I thought about suicide as a simple way out of my problems, and began to calculate how well my family would be able to manage on my very large life insurance policy

About ten years ago, I looked for help. With the help of my therapist, I recognized my inability to either change or accept my homosexuality as a major problem, and I have had to work on that ever since.

Antidepressants were sort of like black magic for me. I responded well, with more energy and confidence, more insight into exactly what was going on in my life. Things just didn't bother me anymore; I could work and enjoy it and felt much less guilty about the gay sex that I did have. Oddly, gay sex became less frequent. I would sometimes go several months without an encounter. However, the initial antidepressant effect didn't last, and even though it enabled me to work, I was constantly in a mild depressed state, gained a lot of weight, didn't exercise, and was in a work, eat, sleep, work, eat , sleep pattern with very few personal gratifications, sexual or otherwise. The antidepressants ruined my sexual ability with the delayed ejaculation thing. Sex became real work and not a pleasure, with men or with my wife.

And then along came email and "chat rooms" on America Online. I have had a personal computer since 1979, and was on AOL when it was a much less sophisticated service. No graphics, only a terminal screen with typed messages, and no separation between what was being typed and sent out and what was coming in. It took real concentration to figure out what was going on, even at 300 baud. It never occurred to me to try and meet anyone from AOL then, although there has been a large gay contingent on line from the beginning. I dropped out of AOL for several years, then got back to it a few years ago. It sure had changed! It was much more user-friendly and much easier to carry on an electronic conversation. I met my first "friend" from AOL about 3 years. Since then, my most satisfying gay sex has been with men I have met on line.

These encounters, however, were anonymous. They were almost all single episodes with each person, and did not involve any emotional attachment. Then, along came Bob. This was a very different experience. I formed a true emotional bond with him, and he with me. I saw him two or three times a week for three months. The contentment and feeling of well-being was incredible. My depression lifted radically. I stopped the antidepressants and within a few weeks, with Bob's loving consideration and understanding, I was able to regain sexual ability and really enjoy sex again. The increased enjoyment and responsiveness even extended to more frequent sexual relations with my wife. She commented on how much more fun it was to live with me and how different my attitude was. From my point of view it enhanced my marriage.

I lost weight, started an exercise program with Bob, and began to be healthy again. Bob ended the sexual part of our relationship after three months because, as a young single gay man he wanted an exclusive live-together relationship that I couldn't give him; for me, my marriage and family came first. We are still good friends. Since I met him my weight went from 220 lbs. (my high point) to 165 lbs. I am still in an exercise program, but I can't devote as much time as I would like to that, since my consulting practice has grown considerably.

I know now that what I want is a relationship with one man and one woman, with the marriage and family my first priority. I think it is unfair to expect a single gay man to be that "one man" and believe it would have to be another bisexual married man. I haven't found him yet; I'm still looking.

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