Illustration by Christy Allan Piper	Let the Children Come by Evan H. Shu

There are few occasions in life as momentous and joyous as the addition of a new member to your family -- be it to your immediate family or to your church family. Old South members have long been among those who have extended their arms to new family members through both traditional and nontraditional means. In recent years, a number of Old South members have adopted children from far-off places such as El Salvador, Colombia, and China.

The most recent of these momentous-joyous occasions to brighten all our lives has been Saideh Dartley's adoption last fall of her daughter, Anna Nicole, from Ningbo, China. As all of you who have met Anna Nicole know, she is a beautiful, charming little girl of four, who is full of life and energy and with her mannerisms, sideways looks and winks, reminds you very much of . . . well, of a young Saideh! "A perfect match" many people have been heard to exclaim.

"I always wanted to adopt" Saideh tells us, "and I didn't want a baby; I wanted an older child from 3 to 5." Being single, she relates, makes it a difficult and lengthy process to be considered for a child that age from this country, so she started looking into foreign countries that were open to single parent adoptions. In 1991, China had opened up to foreign adoptions but then they closed again. So it was with some surprise that in the summer of '95 Saideh heard Arlen Brown tell her that his friend was about to adopt a little girl from China. Hearing that China was "open" again, she said to herself, "I am gonna go for it."

In Massachusetts, all adoptions must take place under the sponsorship of a state-certified adoption agency. Most agencies ask you to attend an informational meeting first to learn about the general parameters. On a hot night in August, 1995, Saideh attended one of these meetings at the Alliance for Children agency. She had gone with completed application and check in hand, but felt a bit out of water as she was surrounded by young, well-to-do couples who seemed to be offering prospective children the stereotypic ideal of the suburban two-parent household with the big backyard, private schools, and a dog in front of the fireplace. With so many people in attendance, she knew she would not be able to get the one on one meeting that she needed, so she returned the first thing the following morning shortly after they opened their doors.

She was able to speak with the director for China placement at the agency and said to her up front that she was a single person who lived in the city and that her child would attend public school, but Saideh told her that she "could offer the most important thing in life -- love" and the child would not want for anything. Saideh found an immediate receptiveness, warmth and empathy for her situation at Alliance for Children and even though she had been counseled to check out other agencies, she knew right away that she had found the right one.

Anyone contemplating an adoption should know right away that the "paperwork can be overwhelming," Saideh noted. Her own social worker told Saideh that the initial paperwork requiring such information as bank accounts, birth certificates, police background checks, autobiographical essays, and parenting attitudes would take over 3 weeks to complete. With the same characteristic energy that she took to her previous Senior Deacon duties, Saideh completed this first batch of paperwork in just 3 days! She also met with Jim Crawford, OSC Senior Minister and then with Janet Butler, church social worker and, swearing them to secrecy, she asked them to provide her with letters of recommendation. They both were tremendously supportive and would continue to be throughout what turned out to be a long, and tortuous process of stops, starts, and lots of waiting.

We often think that the wranglings of foreign policy never affect us in a direct way, but Saideh's case for adoption became one of the many victims of first, the shutdown of the federal government for six weeks at the end of '95 and begin-ning of '96, then second, the haggling over China being renewed for "MFN", Most Favored Nation status. As both the US and China used various excuses for slowing down paperwork between the two countries, Saideh's adoption case along with many others became unwitting pawns in this international chess match. Originally, Saideh had been told that the adoption would not take that long, but with first one thing, then another, the waiting stretched out for many months longer. "It's a roller-coaster of emotions" Saideh said, "first you're up for 2 seconds [with good news] then you go back down."

As she waited for the vagaries of foreign policy to settle, Saideh had to continue to funnel in paperwork (she remembers travelling through white-out conditions in early January to hand-delivery some new form because she didn't want to trust it to the mail to get there in time.) Her social worker in a home visit required for approval asked her if she was prepared to start an interracial family. "I told her that in my class," said Saideh, "I have all types of children: Korean, Native-American, Chinese, African-American, but I never look at them like that. Chase is Chase; Johnny is Johnny; Suzy is Suzy. When I grew up in the South End, I didn't even know what prejudice was until I went to college." The social worker told her later, "I knew from the moment you stepped in that you would be a perfect mother." Saideh also imagined the type of child she wanted, "I wanted a free thinker who knows her own mind; who would be an individual. I wanted her to love life as much as I do. -- Funny thing is I got everything I wanted . . . maybe a little more so! I wanted someone who could sing -- she has the most beautiful voice and she even makes up her own songs to sing (and I can't sing at all); she dances. She loves books as much as I do. I love to laugh and so does she; we joke around. . . I wanted someone who is determined -- Janet [Butler] says we're two peas in a pod."

Through this agonizing ordeal, the hardest part for Saideh was imagining that some anonymous Chinese bureaucrat would be picking out her child for her. Yet, she knew somehow that her child was out there waiting for her and she would start every day with "Good morning, my Love." and end it with "Good night, my Love." In truth, perhaps some higher hand really was at work here, because in Anna Nicole, they really did come up the perfect match. Anna Nicole was brought to the orphanage on June 21, 1995, but she wasn't designated for assignment until her health exam, November 9 -- which just happened to be the same day that Saideh had her social work home visit. Shortly after hearing that she might have to wait another 6-8 months, on July 3rd, she got the call that she had been matched and that she needed to be ready to travel at any time. "When I heard it on the phone, I was ecstatic! I have my baby, I have my baby! After years of waiting, is it true, is it true?!" When she got the first picture of her daughter, she handed it to her mother and father and said, 'I'd like you to meet your new granddaughter, Anna Nicole'" (named after her mother, Anna & her father, Nicholas.) Her father sat down and said, "This is the best news I have ever gotten."

First picture of Anna Nicole.

Still more waiting. Then on the day before her birthday, Saideh finally got the call on August 21st to "pack your bags." Packing your bags in this case is a little more complicated than throwing a few of your things into a suitcase. You need to bring the right size and type of seasonal clothing for your child. (All Saideh was told was that Anna Nicole was 39" tall and weighed 35 lbs.) In addition, the Chinese orphanage and as well as other governmental agencies required substantial cash payments [large payments are often required for US adoptions as well], all to be made in U.S. $100 bills. (Sorry, but they don't take American Express!) They finally left on August 29th (which was Saideh's father's birthday; she promised to bring back his new grandchild as a present.)

Saideh went over with a group of 2 other single mothers, 1 couple, and 1 father. Even once you are there, scheduling is uncertain. The first step was to go to the orphanage [very rarely allowed now] and meet the children. The Chinese officials told the group that they had to wait in a specified balcony area. One by one the babies came out, but no Anna Nicole. Finally, Saideh demanded, "where is my child . . . I want my child!" At last, they brought her out. Saideh grabbed the translator and told the translator, "Tell her I am her new mother. Tell my daughter that I have loved her even before I knew she would be my daughter. Tell her that I will always love her and that she has nothing to be afraid of." I held her. A slight smile appeared, then I bounced a wonderball for her and I saw her eyes move. She took my hand and wanted me to go down the stairs with her, but I had to tell her 'Honey, I can't go with you.' I had about 7 minutes to make up my mind, do I want this child? Of course, I do. Then all too soon, the children are quickly taken away."

Next, the group had to take a 4 1/2 hour train ride to Hangzhou where the official adoption would take place. They had to sign with their thumbprints. They signed more papers, then an official looked over all the papers. "I was always the last one." recalls Saideh. "At the final adoption, they give you a stuffed panda bear and the official adoption certificate." Saideh said she couldn't care less about the panda bear, but she rejoiced over receiving the official adoption paper that stated in writing that Anna Nicole was finally hers. It was September 3rd, the official adoption day. Then finally, finally, a day and a half later, Anna Nicole, along with the other babies, were brought to their new parents at the hotel. Next was a required 2 hour trip to the passport office, then back to the hotel. After a nice bubblebath, and a long nap, Saideh took Anna Nicole down to the main dining room for their first meal together. "I was so proud of my new daughter and I wanted everybody to see her. I also wanted to get something very nutritional for her."

Saideh was warned that children from orphanages can have delayed mobility development problems, but she found none of that with Anna Nicole. They took long walks together right away. Anna Nicole would put lots of noodle soup into Saideh's shopping cart. She got lots more bubblebaths, and she got lots of sleep. In the beginning, she presented only a brave but stoic fascade. "She started showing some emotion the second day she was with me," Saideh recalled. "Bit by bit, she let her emotions out. She liked to run down the hotel corridors ringing all the doorbells. She got the biggest kick out of pressing the elevator buttons. She was given a pack of cards and right away matched the 9's to the 9's, 4's to the 4's."

"From the very first day, Anna Nicole took everything in stride. She's been curious from the beginning." After finally landing at Logan, "that's when I had the feeling that I wanted to cry for joy," Saideh remembered. "I hugged her and said, 'Honey, this is where you are going to be happy. Now you will know where love is.' " After what seemed an interminable, long walk to get off the plane, finally way down at the end of the corridor, Saideh saw her mother and other friends, including Janet Butler & Doreen Spence from Old South. She said, "Okay honey, lets run for it -- that's where love is!"

Anna Nicole has adjusted incredibly well to her new environment (learning English very quickly) as evidenced by her beaming and active presence at Old South. She and Saideh are obviously blossoming in their new family life together. The church has been an important part of this new family. "Old South has been fantastic. I took her there on the second day. She was accepted readily. She loves it. She looks forward to it. She loves church school. People have been wonderful and supportive."

Naturally, Anna Nicole will still on occasion show her fear of being left behind, but Saideh constantly reassures her and tells her how much she loves her. As a parent, Saideh is taking each day, moment by moment, because as a long time teacher, she knows that each child is different and you must take them as they come. She hopes to keep up Anna Nicole's cultural heritage by giving her lessons in her native language, Mandarin, as well as learning more English (and Spanish next year in kindergarten!) And yes, Anna Nicole is even teaching Saideh a few Mandarin phrases here and there.

Does Saideh have any advice for other couples considering foreign adoptions? "Just go for it. Don't even hesitate. Just run and do it." We hear that other Old South members are now in the process of such adoptions, with many more to come hopefully. As Saideh says about Anna Nicole, "She has brought light into our lives. She has brought joy. I feel like I have been her mother for five years. We have always been together." Yes, as Jesus told us, "Let the children come" . . . and we will all be the richer for it. +

Chinese Character for "joy".