Chapter 1. An Engineer's Story (1):

(A narrative of the last 21 months of the 5 year religious crisis, including its culmination in purgation and mystical union.)

Worldly Life Spiraling into a Crisis

In July 1960 I was hired as an engineer by a dynamic MIT spinoff company engaged in intense research and development activity. This company was packed into a small building whose lights burned night and day on an otherwise dismal, treeless, industrial back street in Cambridge. It had only about ten engineers at the time but would grow over the next twenty years to be listed on the NY Stock Exchange. This band of men, poorly financed, was competing with the, then famous, General Electric Research Laboratory in a race to develop a promising new technology. There was a fire of creativity running through that small company at the time. It emanating mainly from our demonic chief engineer who was spearheading the development and, to a lesser extent, from the haughty, brilliant, young MIT professor who had originated the new technology and was the company founder and president. There were other firebrands there also.

I had been traveling in Europe and India during the previous two years and thought of myself as a big-time adventurer, but in reality I had been floundering since 1957 when a tragic event had occurred to someone very dear to me. Though I was a 28-year-old engineer with a specialization in great demand and had been a student of one of the founders of that specialization, emotionally I had become, in those three short years, like a teenage runaway. In this structurally weakened state I had become entangled with, and addicted to a wanton, dominant, experienced, mediterranean woman of 35. Back in college in the midwest I had been an hermetic, crew cut, student-athlete and had never come across a woman like her. Though she was street-smart there was a sensitivity and vulnerablity to her that I was only dimly aware of at the time. In addition to being addicted to her I had also become psychologically addicted to cigarette smoking. I was developing other degenerative character traits as well which, though minor at the time, held within them the seeds of destruction.

My desk was crowded into a small room with those of four other engineers. I was chain-smoking three packs per day of strong, unfiltered cigarettes, filling the room with smoke and, at times, a prolonged, fitful cough. I was trying to make an intense effort to concentrate in order to raise the level of my status but was hindered by dissipating habits that I could see were destroying me. My colleagues were young, bright, and versatile engineers. They wondered why management let this strange, ill-mannered, and arrogant person in the door. I felt out of place, put upon, and rejected. A promising career and vital health had sunk to this level. Perhaps I could have settled for mediocrity - slavery in one form or another - but to my mind I was in a battle for my life. (2)

The Crisis and a Supreme Effort to Save My Life

Sometimes, if one will only persist, certain defeat can be turned into victory. Locked in this battle for my life, as it seemed to me, I began to mount a supreme effort to straighten out my life. I was desperate. The state of mind I was in can be illustrated by Churchill's words and actions during the Spring of 1940. In his radio broadcast of May 19 during the invasion of France by Germany, he said:
"This is the most awe striking period in the long history of France and Britain. It is also beyond doubt the most sublime. Side by side, unaided except by their kith and kin in the great dominions and by the wide Empires which rest beneath their shield - side by side, the British and French peoples have advanced to rescue not only Europe but mankind from the foulest and most soul-destroying tyranny which has ever darkened and stained the pages of history. Behind them - behind us - behind the Armies and Fleets of Britain and France - gather a group of shattered States and bludgeoned races; the Czechs, the Poles, the Norwegians, the Danes, the Dutch, the Belgians - upon all of whom the long night of barbarism will descend, unbroken even by a star of hope, unless we conquer, as conquer we must, as conquer we shall.

"Today is Trinity Sunday. Centuries ago words were written to be a call and a spur to the faithful servants of Truth and Justice: Arm yourselves, and be ye men of valour, and be in readiness for the conflict; for it is better for us to perish in battle than to look upon the outrage of our nation and our altar. As the Will of God is in Heaven, even so let it be."

Such was my state of mind. Come what may, it was better to go down fighting than to accept the ultimate consequences of the present course of my life (3). I attempted and failed many times to stop smoking from March through August 1961. I was irritable and rather wild during withdrawal periods - often insulting people. At the same time my concentration was getting better and I was beginning to do some rather good work. The latter offset my wild behavior and kept me from being fired. I began to devote more of my free time to my work. In addition I found nutritional supplements helpful during withdrawal: wheat germ, brewer's yeast, and a nutritional product called Tiger's Milk. Exercises in hatha yoga, particularly sirsasana and sarvangasana were also helpful. I carried an inspirational book in my back pocket. At critical moments I prayed for help.

I tried with all my will to break off with the woman through the Spring and Summer of 1961 but my blessed heart would not be dominated by my will. I kept returning to her like a drug addict week after week. In the end my heart found the way to leave her:

One steamy Friday night in August my thoughts of her became particularly intense. The conflict between my desire for her and my integrity had become critical. I was in my apartment in the negro Blackstone Square area of the, South End. Instead of driving over to her apartment, I decided to walk. She lived about two miles away near Egleston Square which at that time was on the border between the white and negro neighborhoods.

In walking along old Columbus Avenue, I found my heart and soul open to the sights and smells and sounds of the night: small-time gamblers milling around outside a barber shop; the pimp and the woman strolling down the broad sidewalk, he with his flashy suit and greased down hair, she with her dynamite smile and curvaceous body. The gospel song coming from somewhere:

"Deep in my heart I do believe that
We will overcome some day." Carolina Hymn
Further up the avenue, there was a drug addict lying on the ground amid the litter of tin cans and broken glass; then there was the strong smell of stale liquor and cigarette smoke wafting from an open door of a bar. Further still, I noticed a round woman coming out of the laundromat with her bundle of clothes and her soulful eyes - those soulful eyes, so deep - so different from the cold, hard eyes of technology.

Through all these scenes I past until I finally arrived at the door of the woman's apartment near Egleston Square and knocked at her door. She was dressed in a short pink nightgown that fell only to the top of her thigh. A wave of lust ran through my whole body. I laid down on the living room carpet on my back overwhelmed by the walk, the sights of the steamy hot night, and the passion that flowed through my body. My heart and my soul and my pores and my veins were open. My blood was pulsing in every part of my body. She mounted me with her pink nightgown as I lay there and writhed on me. This did not effect the subtler level of my mind and heart where my concentration had been focused during the walk. My openness and depth of feeling gave me a detachment where mind and soul lay passively, watchfully beneath the passions that she was stirring up. As she writhed on me, a power developed in this passivity and transformed my lust. Presently I got up, tried to excuse myself, and left. I never saw her again: my addiction to her had somehow vanished.

"He unto whom all desires enter
As waters into the sea,
Which, though ever being filled, is ever motionless,
Attains to peace,
But not he who hugs his desire."
Bhagavad Gita II:70
A month later in September I succeeded in stopping smoking permanently. Around October I came up with a novel design for my project. My spirit was on fire(4).

Arete: Competitive Pressure Forces Excellence Out into the Open

The level of competence of my competitors or peers was very high - in a few it had reached the level of Fire as has been mentioned. Though I was doing good work, my status was still low relative to my peers. Now with my novel design in the conceptual stage, I accepted the call to challenge these competitors in order to raise my status and prove my worth (5). The resulting intense effort carried on over a period of time eventually focused my concentration and brought a depth of analysis. This produced the innovations required to make the conceptual design workable. I believe, and this cannot be emphasized enough, that the strain of the effort would have led to a breakdown if I had not had at this stage, latent within me, a transcendent purpose (6) and a trust in God that it would be fulfilled. This transcendent purpose together with prayful concentration brought about a centering (7).

The intellectual strain was not the only strain involved. I was experiencing another strain that I sensed would be difficult to manage later when I would have to do the detailed designing and building of the device. This second kind of strain involved interaction with my co-workers. I would be required to interface with and coordinate the activities of a number of people - draftsmen, machinists, technicians, foremen - within a tight schedule. At the same time I would have to work out more of the theoretical underpinnings of the design. Underlying these activities was the baffling politics and power structure of my peers. Usually work like this should be done only by those who are well integrated into the organizational structure and have good informal communication and support systems. For a lone wolf with obviously few social and communication skills, in particular the lack of a subtle understanding of political games, it is utter folly. I was setting myself up to be crucified. By any rational standards I should have remained at my desk with my theoretical work. In my ignorance I was completely unaware of the difficult situation I was getting into, but I did sense a supreme struggle ahead.

To my mind this was the critical moment of my life. I felt in my bones that I had to do or die; that the issues in my life had finally been joined; that this struggle was the meaning of my life. The reason for this rare conviction was that I had, temporarily at least, achieved an alignment of a number of elements of my mind, as when a rackety complex machine is carefully adjusted by a skilled mechanic and begins to hum. At long last I was running true. At that point I trusted in God that He would not abandon me if only I be true (8).

Around that time I sensed a barrenness caused by the renunciation I had recently undergone. I needed a rootedness not only in the mind and spirit but in the heart and soul. I sensed that I had to dig deeper in my quest (9). At that time, early November 1961, I felt I should take a ten day vacation before embarking on my task.

"Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt
Fightings without, and fears within
O Lamb of God, I come! I come!"

Transcendence and Grace

During this vacation I went to San Diego to see old acquaintances, arriving on Friday night. I took the inspirational book with me.

Around Wednesday I left San Diego by bus and hitchiking seeking a place associated with the book. I found it very much by chance. It was a monastery far up in the foothills of the Santa Ana mountains (10). I approached the simple Spanish style retreat in a state of adventure, openness, and hope. As I entered the gate and before meeting anyone, I felt a sort of peace come over me as if I had entered an enchanted land. I found that the monastery was maintained by a monk and about five brothers. They allowed me to stay with them for a visit.

My system went into a different mode during the course of that first day. The peace that my heart and mind had felt earlier continued on and deepened during the three or four days of my visit. I sensed a subtler level of thought and feeling. A subtler vibration within my heart was being energized. I was in a holy atmosphere (11).

I was tempted to remain - as the sun was setting on Sunday night - but realized I must finish my project first.

I returned to Boston on the night flight out of San Diego and came to work late Monday morning with renewed energy and resolve: I would prove that I was a good engineer and then return.

I was now walking the razor's edge.

Concentrating again upon my work, there began - and developed over the next few months - a slow awakening of a subtler level of my heart from its lifelong slumber. This brought me slowly into an entirely new state: one which transcended the previous more primitive state. I found myself dealing with stress through prayer and tears. The tears, finally unlocked, soothed the deep sadness of my soul. They alleviated my withdrawal symptoms (12).

Also my ability to cope increased. This can be illustrated by Churchill again as taken from the notes of Major General E. L. Spears on May 31,1940 (13):

"At the meeting of the Supreme War Council in Paris during the evacuation of Dunkirk, Churchill reported to the French that 165,000 men had been evacuated including 10,000 wounded and 15,000 French. Reynaud, the French President of the Council, at once drew attention to the small number of French withdrawn. Weygand, the Chief of the French General Staff, chimed in 'But how many French? The French are being left behind!' His voice was high, querulous and aggressive.

"Churchill looked at him for a moment. The light had died out of his face, his fingers were playing a tune on the edge of the table; out came his lower lip as if he were going to retort, and I expected one of those sentences that hit like a blow, but his expression changed again. It was evident that he felt every indulgence must be shown to people so highly tried, undergoing so fearful an ordeal. He looked very sad, and as he spoke a wave of deep emotion swept from his heart to his eyes, where tears appeared not for the only time that afternoon. 'We are companions in misfortune', he said, 'there is nothing to be gained from recrimination over our common miseries.'

"The note he had struck was so true, went so deep, that a stillness fell over the room, something different from silence, it was like the hush that falls on men at the opening of a great national pageant. I imagine all thoughts were turned inwards, questioning whether each one was observing that precept. It was important in its results, for the note it struck was maintained throughout the meeting; goodwill, courtesy, and mutual generosity prevailed."

Only at this transcendent level, where coping skills of the heart were activated, could the quality of response of the lone wolf, without allies, be adequate to overcome the competitive pressure of his brilliant peers to hold him back and to overcome his own social awkwardness.

At this stage and during the ensuing months my heart and my brain were working in tandem. Coming out of work one evening, briefcase in hand, I began to weep as I caught sight of the November sunset. The old heartless life was in abeyance. Thinking went on constantly day and night until the project was completed. When the design seemed to be unworkable, all I had to do was walk the streets at night and the solution would come (14). At times I walked the Boston streets that winter without a coat, warmed only by the inner fire coursing my brain and body (4). Such was my state (15). Competition with my peers became a minor factor; dissipating habits were tossed off with ease one by one. I was now dealing with an awakening heart, tears, a transcendent purpose, prayer and openness, and concentration at a fiery level (12).

I felt this was my life at stake, the end of the line of my genes. I had to pull out all the stops. Centering myself in the openness of prayer at the eye of the storm, I seemed to gain control of the very pulse of life. The powerful winds of my spirit had been caught now by my sails; the rod of iron of my will was in my right hand ruddering me; and the waves of my emotions were dangerously whipping across my bow. As the great adventure proceeded I sensed an immense ocean within me, its deep, slow, surging waves powering my heart and soul (4) (16).

"Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee;
How great Thou art, how great Thou art!"
In these unfamiliar elements, with only God as my companion, the strings binding my heart began to come unloosened (17).

The Seeker of God then went to his salvation by way of the Refiner's Fire, the second stage of his purification.

The Heart Begins to Open

The purification resulting from renuciation came about by a supreme effort of the will and by Grace, but the second stage of the purification that followed proceeded passively. A force began to manifest itself in me and I could do nothing but pray. My will was powerless to effect this Force. It began in the following way:

I returned to Southern California at the end of March 1962 for another one week vacation after successfully completing the project. I was still running true. I was charged and in a state of openness. On this visit I went to another monastery run by the same Order of monks. Again I found myself in a holy atmosphere (11). I had a deeply restful, enchanting, profoundly moving week, many times bubbling over with mirth and on one occasion, hearing a beautiful piece of religious music, I was unable to contain a weeping which became a prolonged sobbing from the bottom of my heart.

Around noon on Sunday I left the monastery to return to Boston for work the next day. I was to take a cab to the Los Angeles airport and then a non-stop flight to Boston. I had plenty of time. The cab stand was about a half-mile away. I was walking down a hill with a small suitcase in my hand. As I walked reflectively and in peace down that hill in the warm and brilliant Southern California sun, my heart slowly began to feel full. My mind was drawn inward. In this mood I arrived at the cab stand. I told the driver my destination. He was a rather cool and playful young man in his early twenties. I noticed that I was very friendly and mirthful - quite unusual for me since I usually never spoke to cab drivers. During the ride I was joking and at times giggling and had a great time for the half hour drive to the airport. At one point the driver asked me if I had had a 'joint' before getting into the cab.

At the airport, however,the warmth or power in my heart began to deepen. I was sitting in the waiting area for the flight but found I could not stay seated. I got up and began to pace the floor of the waiting room. I was well dressed and groomed in a fine conservative suit. Perhaps it was a rather strange sight. The thought occurred to me I was on the verge of a heart attack, but I was only thirty and in good health so dismissed the idea.

The plane was quite full. I took my assigned seat by the window. After the plane circled LA and turned East, the Force in my heart began to get intense. My heart was opening!! There was a struggle going on in my heart. The Force was opening my heart and, because of my fear, my will was waging a losing battle to close it. The opening of my heart brought about a fear - indeed - a terror. At the same time I felt a degree of love for all, forgiveness, brotherhood and sisterhood for all.

I called for the stewardess. I told her something was wrong with my heart. She got me out to the first aid area and gave me oxygen, but it had no effect. She took me to the first class area where there were fewer passengers and I could be alone. The Force continued to try to open my heart and I was in a state of terror for fear I would die shortly. I kept getting up and walking to the drinking fountain to quench the fire in my breast. I must have drunk at least two gallons of water during the five and one-half hour flight.

A few times the stewardess came by to see how I was. Once she sat down next to me. She seemed quite curious about me. She was about 24 or 26. Under the ceiling spotlight I could see her features were delicate but her beauty had now passed its peak. There were the first signs of tension wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Close up I could sense something about her that had gone cold and there was a sadness underneath her makeup. She was neglecting what I could see was a precious soul. In the course of our quiet conversation I told her, in a somewhat oracular way, 'Please leave this terrible job.' She asked me why I thought it was so terrible. I said, in effect, she was being paid to be pleasant and gay to the passengers even though her heart and soul didn't feel it any more. She needed an honest job. With my heart so open, I knew my intuition was sure and I could see these things clearly, quite in the same way that the lay of the land can be seen and understood better when standing at an elevated place. Under ordinary circumstances such a conversation would have set the stewardess' teeth on edge, but with my heart so open she seemed to sense my good will and took what I said to heart.

Nevertheless, when I arrived in Boston about 10:30pm, I was met by a powerfully built and rather serious airport state police officer. He was about 35 or 40 years old. He escorted me from the plane ahead of the others and led me to the airport shelter. Normally I was rather aloof from police officers, indeed I didn't like authority of any kind, but when the officer met me my heart was so open I felt all men were my brothers. As I walked aside of him to the shelter, I found myself putting my arm around his broad shoulders. I became aware of the gun at his holster but it made no difference to me. In the state of mind I was in, I felt toward him like toward an elder, beloved brother meeting me at the plane. I chatted with him and thanked him for his trouble and great courtesy and assistance. I told him I had just left a monastery and was overwhelmed by being in a crowd of people and that I would be alright once I got home. Besides being an optimistic prognosis to calm myself it also seemed to be an appropriate way of explaining my openness and feelings of brotherhood and also of avoiding being detained. Ordinarily this tough, no-nonsense police officer would have given me a difficult time but instead, like the stewardess, he seemed to sense the integrity of my feelings.

The Dark Night of the Soul: The Heart is Purified and Prepared for the Culminating Experience

I took a cab and arrived about 11pm at my South End lodgings. They consisted of two rooms on the second floor of an almost- deserted rooming house overlooking the extensive federal housing project near the Cathedral. The dull red brick buildings and barren clothes-lines at the edge of the project could be seen from my front window by the light of the street lamps. The window faced a large tree-lined, but neglected, park called Blackstone Square. Next door was a Syrian Church with a domed roof overhung by a huge tree now bare of leaves. A light quietly emanating from the ornate glass window in the dome soothed my soul as I paced the rooms.

Finally I was alone. I lay down on my bed. I knew very little about the writings of the mystics at the time. I did not know that I was now entering the Refiner's Fire or the Dark Night of the Soul (18) that would purify my heart and make me fit for Union with God.

"But who may abide the day of His coming,
And who shall stand when He appeareth?
For He is like a Refiner's Fire." Malachi 3.2
The events in the cab and on the plane were the beginning but the Dark Night of the Soul began in earnest when I laid down on my bed. As I have said, the fire in the heart led to the opening of the heart. The heart continued to open slowly and inexorably, step by step, like a flower. As it did, it produced forgiveness - forgiveness of those I felt had wronged me, who had teased and mocked me. These vexations departed from my heart one by one as they came to my mind - like water drops from a lotus leaf. At the same time there came to my mind, one by one, things I had done which lay buried in my consciousness undermining my life. I prayed for the Lord to forgive me and He did so, one by one (19).

Simultaneous with this forgiveness was terror and joy. I was in terror of losing my life. The Fire or Force was opening my heart and I was naturally terrified since my heart had never been open that wide. Fear keeps the heart closed so if the heart is opened beyond its normal position it produces terror. To alleviate this terror I had to forgive. It allowed the heart to tolerate being opened at that degree of opening. As this proceeded, hatred slowly left my heart and it slowly became more purified.

Then the heart opened more. More terror. More sin and error came to my mind one by one and I asked the Lord to forgive me and He did so one by one. The terror lessened. The heart opened wider. More joy. More terror. More prayers. And as the heart opened ever wider my joy increased to ecstasy or rapture (20).

At the same time I was dealing with another aspect of the terror of losing my life: the dread or remorse that I would lose my worldly ties. I would die in this lonely place never to see my dear ones again. My worldly hopes and dreams would end here never to be fulfilled. Clinging to life, I begged the Lord, Oh save me. Let me live.

This Prayer of Salvation during such an emotional crisis deepened my attachment to God with Form. To confirm and permanently establish this attachment I made a Covenant with God with Form. Once this firm attachment was made I could remove myself from worldly attachments and all its associated complexities and my fears could more easily be borne (21). Only the most simple and fundamental structures of the mind-heart system were now being employed. This stabilized my mind and enabled my heart to continue the process of opening. It opened amidst joy, ecstasy, terror and anxiety while at the same time there was a fierce attention of my mind and being on that which was within.

The Great Silence

Gradually, then, over a period of about an hour this Refiner's Fire succeeded in bringing about an opening and purifying of my heart and bringing along with it peace to my conscience. As a result, my thinking process was able to rest. As this occurred, all of my mind - all of my being - was freed to focus on the present moment within where there existed the blessed open heart. In this undistracted, dramatic state my mind became one pointed. That was its natural, purified state. Then, suddenly, all action within me ceased (22). The pumping of my blood, the beating of my heart, the quivering or hum of my nerves (or perhaps the latter was my body shaking) ceased quite abruptly and I was left in a state of profound silence (23). I had crossed over to the Great Silence (24).

In that state I no longer felt the previous terror, joy, or anxiety. Instead I felt I had come into my True Home, where I was Free(21, 25). I had left the World and was in a state of Pure Being. In that state my mind could not think; it could only observe inwardly and record (26). I had no power to recall or analyze. All of my mind and being continued to focus on the present moment within during the transition into the Silence and at the Silence. In that state of mind and being, my system was satisfied that it had penetrated to the core. Its energy then ran out. It let go and I fell into a swoon, a deep and abiding sleep (27).

It was the silent night, the holy night.

Presently I awoke. It was daybreak. All was peace, bliss. Within me lapped the Living Waters: a serene, wave-like energy of such a subtle frequency that it was capable of flowing evenly throughout my head and body as if they were both made of one substance(4, 28). I was in such a state of peace and bliss, pervaded by a feeling of inner goodness, that the experience has led me to believe this is what is known as Heaven (29). My sincere and earnest search for the Truth during the previous five years had finally been satisfied (30). I no longer felt that I must seek the ground of my life, the base upon which to build a sound life. I felt I had found the Ground of My Being: the philosopher's stone, the Formless, the Timeless, the Unconditioned, Knowledge, Bliss (31).

This I now feel is God: no more, no less. Reflection on those blessed hours since April 1962 has led me to that conclusion (32).

References and Notes:

  1. An Engineer's Story is similar in form to Parmenides' allegorical proem (Burnet 1948) given below. It introduces his Fragments .
    "The car that bears me carried me as far as ever my heart desired, when it had brought me and set me on the renowned way of the goddess, which leads the man who knows through all the towns. On that way was I borne along; for on it did the wise steeds carry me, drawing my car, and maidens showed the way. And the axle, glowing in the socket - for it was urged round by the whirling wheels at each end - gave forth a sound as of a pipe, when the daughters of the Sun, hasting to convey me into the light, threw back their veils from off their faces and left the abode of Night.

    "There are the gates of the ways of Night and Day, fitted above with lintel and below with a threshold of stone. They themselves, high in the air, are closed by mighty doors, and Avenging Justice keeps the keys that fit them. Her did the maidens entreat with gentle words and cunningly persuade to unfasten without demur the bolted bars from the gates. Then, when the doors were thrown back, they disclosed a wide opening, when their brazen posts fitted with rivets and nails swung back one after the other. Straight through them, on the broad way, did the maidens guide the horse and the car, and the goddess greeted me kindly, and took my right hand in hers, and spake to me these words:

    "Welcome, O youth, that comest to my abode on the car that bears thee tended by immortal charioteers! It is no ill chance, but right and justice that has sent thee forth to travel on this way. Far, indeed, does it lie from the beaten track of men! Meet it is that thou shouldest learn all things, as well the unshaken heart of well-rounded truth, as opinion of mortals in which is no true belief at all. Yet none the less shalt thou learn these things also, - how passing right through all things one should judge the things that seem to be."

    (The text of the translation is from: John Burnet, Early Greek Philosophy , 4th edition(Adam & Charles Black, London,1948) 172.)
  2. The disintegration of moral character - loss of integrity and the descent into dissipation and obsession - often leads to desperation and sets the stage for a religious conversion. Many of the teachings of religion focus on this crisis. (See for example, 'The Sermon' from Moby Dick by Herman Melville.)
  3. The successful attitude of the seeker of God, the warrior, and creative men and women appear to be identical. It is the attitude of detachment. The essence of detachment is to let go of the clinging to life. Some aspects of this idea are illustrated below:

  4. What is occurring here is similar to what occurs in social and biological systems which have been driven to stable states far from thermodynamic equilibrium. As they are driven further from equilibrium, such systems experience a series of bifurcations leading to structural changes and increases in energy exchange with the environment.
  5. On arete:
  6. Elie Wiesel, Nobel peace laureate, Boston Globe, October 21, 1986:
    "If you want to break out of your despair simply for your own sake, I don't think it will work. You will continue to suffer in your solitude and loneliness. But if you do it for someone else, a child even, one other person, then somehow you can find your way out."
  7. On mystical union and psychosis:
  8. On the concept of Truth:
  9. Quotation of Kant in K. Jaspers, Kant(Harcourt, San Diego,1962), p90:
    "Any fragmentary attempt to become a better man is futile. The foundation of a character lies in the absolute unity of the inner principle of a man's whole life conduct. No doubt . . . there are few men who have attempted this revolution before the thirtieth year, and still fewer who have firmly established it before their fortieth."
  10. I.K.Tamini, Glimpses into the Psychology of Yoga (Theosophical Pub. House, Wheaton, IL, 1976), pVII:
    "As our minds get purified and harmonized and the intuitive faculty begins to function, knowledge which we need wells up from within us, and the help and guidance which we deserve comes to us from somewhere, somehow, unasked. This is the law of spiritual life which those who tread the path of yoga should always keep in mind."

  11. Prigogine and Stengers, Order Out of Chaos, 163-165. (for example, the formation of Benard cells is very much sensitive to, and dependent on, the existence of a gravitational field.):
    " . . . . matter acquires [fundamental new properties] in far-from-equilibrium conditions: external fields, such as the gravitational field, can be 'perceived' by the system . . . The important point is that . . . . this mechanism expresses an extraordinary sensitivity. The sensitivity of far-from-equilibrium states to external fluctuations is . . . . [an] example of a system's spontaneous adaptive organization to its environment."

  12. From J. W. Forrester, 'Nonlinearity in High-Order Models of Social Systems', paper number D-3691-1, March 1985, System Dynamics Group, MIT, Cambridge, MA 02139:
    "By shifting loop dominance we mean the process by which control of a system moves from one set of feedback loops to another set, often with dramatic changes in behavior. The several control loops will all have been present in the system from the beginning but some lie inactive until conditions trigger them into operation.

    "The processes behind the typical S-shaped growth curve serve as a simple example of shifting loop dominance. Consider a population expanding toward an upper limit to the carrying capacity of its environment. When the population is well below the limit, population expands exponentially, driven by a linear positive feedback loop in which additions to population increase in proportion to population itself. The positive feedback loop produces the initial upward-sweeping section of S-shaped growth. But as the limit to population is approached, a previously dormant linear negative feedback loop becomes active, interacts nonlinearly with the positive loop, reduces the growth rate of the positive feedback loop toward zero, and eventually takes full control to adjust population toward the limit whenever population deviates in either direction from the limit. The two loops come into operation at different times. First, the positive feedback loop of growth is in control during the early exponential growth phase. Later, the negative feedback loop exerts increasing control to neutralize the positive loop and convert the system to a goal-seeking search for an equilibrium at the population limit. Biological and social systems contain numerous structures that move in and out of dominance as forces shift."

  13. Martin Gilbert, Winston S. Churchill, Finest Hour, 1939- 1941, Volume VI (Houghton Mifflin Co, Boston, 1983), 438-439.

  14. On the relationship of the mind to the object:

  15. The holistic sensation that people feel when they act with total involvement has been called the flow state. Csikszentmihalyi describes it as follows:
    "In the flow state, action follows upon action according to an internal logic that seems to need no conscious intervention by the actor. He experiences it as a unified flowing from one moment to the next, in which he is in control of his actions, and in which there is little distinction between self and environment, between stimulus and response, or between past, present, and future. . . . . one may experience flow on the battlefront, on a factory assembly line, or in a concentration camp. The experience is one of complete involvement of the actor with his activity. The activity presents constant challenges. There is no time to get bored or to worry about what may or may not happen. A person in such a situation can make full use of whatever skills are required and receives clear feedback to his actions; hence he belongs to rational cause and effect system in which what he does has realistic and predictable consequences."
    M. Csikszentmihalyi, Beyond Boredom and Anxiety (Jossey-Bass Pub., San Francisco, 1975), 36.

  16. Vivekananda, Complete Works, Vol. 5 (1979 edition): pp447-453:
    ".... thousands of us are, for our whole life, meditating on Om, are getting ecstatic in devotion in the name of the Lord, and are crying, 'Thy will be done, I am fully resigned to Thee!' - and what are they getting in return? Absolutely nothing! How do you account for this? The reason lies here, and it must be fully understood. Whose meditation is real and effective? Who can really resign himself to the Will of God? Who can utter with power irresistible, like that of a thunderbolt, the name of the Lord? It is he who has earned Chitta-shuddhi, that is, whose mind has been purified by work, or in other words, he who is the Dharmika.

    "Each individual is a centre for the manifestation of a certain force. This force has been stored up as the resultant of our previous works, and each one of us is born with this force at his back. So long as this force has not worked itself out, who can possibly remain quiet and give up work?"

  17. As I designed and built the device, the mantra I was using was, 'I will not be a nothing'. No guru or priest or rabbi had given me this mantra. It was something I would say to myself from time to time with feeling.

    Let's examine this. The behavior of a stable system may be described as goal-seeking. Conversely, an unstable system is one dominated by a positive feedback loop and has no goal. As I said to myself with all my heart and soul, 'I will not be a nothing', I had no goal on the plane of action but I was striving for transcendence to a higher plane. I cared not whether I was moving up or down the ladder of worldly success. To me higher or lower on that plane of action was nothing. Consciously or unconsciously, deep down, I knew that I had somehow become a slave, a nothing, to a social system, in particular this company's social system.

    What was left to me it seems was to BURN - the soul afire. The engineering device that I was designing and building at that time was in keeping with such a state of mind. Unconsciously I was worshipping God in the form of Fire, or perhaps something more. The device was a cylindrical metal- ceramic electron tube the size of a 5 inch long crucifix, structured with a copper rod running down its spine. A high electric current (about 200 amps) flowing in the rod generated a magnetic field. The electron tube was mounted or jury-rigged on a frame. At the heart of the assembly was a half inch diameter by one inch long cylindrical tantalum cathode heated to 3100 deg F. The cathode's intense white light emanated from the openings between the plates of the electron tube and I was aware of its rays as I waited for it to heat up or as I worked around it, studying for countless hours how the electron tube operated. This could be done since in its vacuum phase it was enclosed by a highly evacuated glass bell jar and in its cesium phase by a metal bell jar with a quartz window. I was not aware at the time that the electron tube was in the form of a crucifix, but what joy I felt to see it work.

    "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart,
    And with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." Jesus (Matthew 22:37)

    "If.....thou shalt seek the Lord thy God,
    Thou shalt find him, if thou seek him
    With all thy heart and with all thy soul." Moses (Deut 4:29)

    "Whoever has God in mind - simply and solely God - in all things, such a man carries God with him into all his works and into all places and God alone does all his works." Meister Eckhart

    The mechanical drawings for this particular design are not available to me. However, a later design of an entirely different electron tube also shows crucifix-like qualities. The mechanical drawing for the latter are shown below.

  18. Saint John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul, translated and edited by E. Allison Peers, mainly from the 16th century manuscript #3446 (Image Books, Doubleday, Garden City, N.Y., 1959), 93:
    "These proficients [those who are on the road to Divine Union] have two kinds of imperfections: the one kind is habitual; the other actual. The habitual imperfections are the imperfect habits and affections which have remained all the time in the spirit, and are like roots, to which the purgation of sense has been unable to penetrate. The difference between the purgation of these and that of the other kind is the difference between the root and the branch, or between the removing of a stain which is fresh and one which is old and of long standing. For, as we said, the purgation of sense is only the entrance and beginning of contemplation leading to the purgation of the spirit, which, as we have likewise said, serves rather to accommodate sense to spirit than to unite spirit with God. But there still remain in the spirit the stains of the old man, although the spirit thinks not that this is so, neither can it perceive them; if these stains be not removed with the soap and strong lye of the purgation of this night, the spirit will be unable to come to the purity of Divine Union."

  19. M. Heidegger, Sein und Zeit, I (Halle a.d.S.: Max Niemeyer, 1927), 385. Quoted in Marjorie Grene, Heidegger (Hillary House, Inc., New York, 1957), 38:
    " . . in the Being of a being death, guilt, conscience, freedom and finitude dwell together at its very source."

  20. Matthew 6:14:
    "If ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

  21. Saint John of the Cross:
    "The soul that is attached to anything, however much good there may be in it, will not arrive at the liberty of divine union. For whether it be a strong wire rope or a slender and delicate thread that holds the bird, it matters not, if it really holds it fast; for, until the cord be broken, the bird cannot fly. So the soul, held by the bonds of human affections, however slight they may be, cannot, while they last, make its way to God."
  22. On the mental imagery of the release of knots in the heart:
  23. On the timelessness, motionlessness, and oneness of the state of mystical union:
  24. On what is required of the seeker in order to attain mystical union:
  25. Ruysbroeck:
    "[Union with God] is an unwalled world."
  26. During the Great Silence or samadhi or mystical union the following state of mind and body existed: The following philosophers - one from the West; the other from the East - have spoken about this state. Here is what they have to say:
  27. From: The Dark Night of the Soul by Saint John of the Cross:
    "Forgetful of myself,
    My head reclined on my Beloved,
    The world was gone
    And all my cares at rest,
    Forgotten all my grief among the lilies."
  28. On the state of mystical union or samadhi:
  29. On the state of mystical union:
  30. On the attainment of mystical union:
  31. The central tenet of the Jewish religious teachings of my boyhood had been realized:
    "Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad.
    Hear Oh Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is One."
    Moses (Deuteronomy. 6:4)
  32. On mystical union:
The Engineer's Story was written mainly from December 1984 to around 1986. It has been slightly revised from time to time since then, mostly software code revisions for this web site.

Arlen Wolpert
June 22,2004
Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA
http://world.std.com/~awolpert/gtr17.html

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